Uncle bastard's problem truth cabin of some shit with actual real cunts this time for a change which is nice because all the other ones are made up actually, no really, you didn't think they were real did you? Christ... Part 4a

Howdy.

Seeing as how most of our readers prefer this barely polysyllabic drivel to ACTUAL wargaming articles of worth, I'm driven yet again to evacuate more literary effluent from my bowels.

Unfortunately for the universe in general, some people from what I grudgingly refer to as the real world have decided to ACTUALLY write to Uncle Truth with their wargaming problems.

Go figure.

Here's the first failcake, Mark B from Glasgow:

Mark B, kicking a piano in Govan, yesterday

Dear Uncle Truth, recently my girlfriend suggested we try some roleplaying to spice things up in the bedroom. However, no matter how hard I roll my d20's it does not seem to impress her! I even showed her the character sheets so she knows what Target numbers I need and I'm beating them by loads! What else can I do to wipe the depressed look of disappointment off her face?

Dear bloke.

Your Imperial noble is a prick. If warhammer quest was any good then Games Workshop would still be selling it. They have never made any mistakes. Ever. I mean take the blood Angels codex for instance, or 8th edition Warhammer Fantasy battle? Forget about it yo. Trust me, if this game's any good, then Games Workshop will bring it out as an overpriced boxed set for about 4 hours and suddenly remember that they really liked it, even though they couldn't get the cunt off the shelves fast enough 10 years before.

Love,

Uncle Truth

Next tosser, J Lennon from Glaschuchu:

A Lennon, (not John) watching countdown, yesterday

Dear uncle truth, can you help? As a roleplayer im having trouble meeting girls....no matter how many random encounter charts i roll on it just doesnt happen (and i dont think the brief encounter with that kobald counts) A friend suggested going to a pub but i explained that i hadnt levelled adequately to follow proper tavern ettiquette (as per page 57 players guide). Can you help me?


No. I'm afraid that the only course of action when encountering a Gruffalo in the deep, dark wood is to lead it around a selection of animals that you have already outwitted with outlandish tales of the Gruffalo's ferocity and peculiar dietary requirements. Their shock at seeing the aforementioned monster in your company should elicit a suitably terrified reaction that the Gruffalo will mistakenly attribute to yourself.

You should then shoot the Gruffalo.

With a gun.

Love,
Uncle Truth x




Next is some cnut from Helen's bra, R Senior:

I've got nothin', yesterday

Dear Uncle Truth,

Over the past few years I have been playing a lot of Warhammer Recent Battles (First Edition) with my dad Sweyn, and have had some success: so far we have managed to retain the kingdoms of Norway and Denmark and have recently added England to the collection. I am a hands-on commander and not afraid to get my feet wet.

I was deeply affected by the recent death of my father (it took me weeks to wash his blood off the hilt of my seax) and have been wracked with indecision over what my next move should be. Do you think it would be an idea to introduce an elite warrior class into my southern domains, similar to the Hirdmen system that I have utilised in the north? If so, should I use them to systematically eliminate the powerbase and status of the saxon nobility.

Orrabest,
Cnut (the Great)

p.s. If you are gonna talk about me at least have the decency to spell my name right.



Dear cunt,

I was very sorry to hear about your gerbil. I recommend buying a warmachine starter set, burying all the heads in a hole beneath a crossroads at midnight, then pissing on the spot. You should then make Jervis Johnson dance naked and have a fight with Paolo Parente from Dust studios. Jervis will lose.

If you need to ask why, then you are a proper cnut!

Wuv, Unkel Trooth x



Well, they were generally of a very poor standard, (except that last one which was a bit highbrow because it mentioned history and that) and generally weren't very sweary at all. Also, there was a distinct lack of 40Kness about all that pish as well. I mean what exactly the fuck is Roleplaying and Historical Wargaming when it's at home anyway?! It sounds as though they haven't even got ludicrously overpriced figures, (of which vast quantities are required) ridiculously short-lived and equally expensive reference books with loads of typos and contradictions and millions of fucking dice!

If you ask me it'll never take off.

No, I'll just stick to not playing 40K, but still going to great pains to let everybody else know how much better at it I am than they at doing it.

Than them is.

Blah, blah, blah... Jervis McJohnsing... blah, blah... sucking Vulkan's cock...blah, blah...Dreadfleet, etc...

Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part -3

Howdy.

Well, I just thought you all should know that I've gotten so tired of waiting for somebody to kick my ass at 40K that I decided to create an opponent from the pieces in my bitz box.

Here are the results:

Faceprick

As you can see, my new opponent evinces all of the qualities of personal attractiveness that make me such a superlative gamer. Namely:

• Style
• Panache
• A sense of flair
• Unique body odour
• His own bed that he doesn't have to share with his Mum any more, because he's a big boy like me, (except on special hug night. Uhhhh...)
• Glasses

In an unfortunate turn of events, I was forced to humanely destroy my new creation when - in a Mary Shelley's 'Dr Frankenstein's monster' related type incident topic - I was overcome with guilt at the enormity of my transgressions against nature. 

Also, he was a cunt.

cunt

In any case, that's the end of that chapter, so let's get on with the real work of trawling through the dogshit minefield that I like to call 'Reader's letters'. First up is Mr J Johnson of games sweatshop with a question about initiative priority in close combat:

Deer Unkcel Trooths,

Eye am a man. I liv in a howse with a chimnee and everything. It is ded good. Unfar Unifo Unfinky sum cunt is stealing meye moduls and selling them lyk thay arr his oan. He is a geye cauld Mantik and eye hayte him a lot!!!

pee ess, Eye am a man.

Luv Jarvis

Well Jarvis, I would be remiss were I not to point out that my ability to prosecute successful engagements against opponents via the medium of Warhammer 40K is significantly more advanced than your own, so let's consider that done, shall we? Now, onto one of your many problems; It's clear to me that your army list doesn't have enough melta guns. Please kill me. Also, you need more chimeras. I hate my life. My recommendation would be to immerse the testicles in a warm, saline solution in accordance with advice from your Doctor. End my suffering. I hope this helps, but I won't lose any sleep if it doesn't. 

Next, here's Brian from Govan:

Ho, Uncle Truth.

My name is Brian and I hail from the mist and rock-strewn climes of Valhallasfjord in Govan. Where the mighty frost giants do battle with the legendary warriors of Asgard on the spare ground just across from the Pierce institute where the Govan market used to be. Where of old, the songs of the mighty were woven by Skalds in glory of the rapine and murdermake they didst make in the name conquest it was a bit like that time when Davy wrote his name on the bus-shelter and we were like that, 'Naw Davy, dono't dae it man! You're pure MENTAL so ye are!' but he did it anyway, cos he's pure mental. 

At the risk of giving mine own eye to the ravens in quest of knowledge as did my grandsire Woden in times past Davy's granda got is' eye poked out tunin' the video recorder. Ah pure like Davy. He's nice. My question to thee o' sagely one is this: 

Do you favour a Mech Guard, or Foot Guard list for your IG armies and secondly, why does nobody on your egocentric, foetid arsehole of a website extend their diction beyond the use of banal acronyms that have the peculiar quality of being both indecipherable, yet boringly appropriate? 


Dear Brian.

Fuck off.

Next tosser:

Dear Uncle Truth.


I was curiously aroused by that picture of a bird picking up a bloke that you posted last time. Any chance of another one?


Love,
Danny at Static Games, Glasgow


 Dear Danny,

Don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows that the Dark Eldar beastmaster and his assorted pets are thematic fluff-pieces that serve no purpose on the battlefields of the 41st millenium, (Otherwise known as my Mum's dining table).

Regards, Uncle Truth. Next earspunkage:

Dear Uncle Truth,


I am writing to complain in the strongest terms about your next letter from Dr David Stone, Glasgow. 


Yours sincerely,

Jervis Johnson esq, decd.

Jervis McJohndo enjoying a fly wank, yesterday 

Dear Uncle Truth,

40K is pish and so is your Mum. I don't just mean in bed, but also at card games and making lasagne. 

Regards,

Dr David Stone,

Static Games, Glasgow

Dear Dr Stone,

I will have you know that if the good lord had intended deepstriking landraiders, then he would have given them wings, or flyer statistics at the very least. Good day to you sir.

Uncle Truth

P.S. here is a picture of a Landraider just in case you don't know what one looks like. Do you see any fucking wings?

A Land Raider, yesterday

Well folks, that's enough wargames cancer for this week. Join me next time when I improve Gav Thorpe's latest Eldar novel by crowning it with a big, steaming shite.

Here is an announcement! (And an 'In the Emperor's name' battle report).

Dark end of the street's agony aunt, uncle truth would like to apologise profusely and in the most unconditional terms for the quality of his last column, as it was pish.

Unfortunately, he can't as he's busy being better at 40K than you. As some small recompense, here is a battle report for my first game of 'In the Emperor's Name!'

In order to get into the rules, Andy and I decided to run an assassination mission using whatever we had available at the time. This resulted in a rather one-sided, but fun engagement between an Orc arms-dealer and an Arbites patrol, (Unfortunately Uncle Truth, we were unable to justify the inclusion of Vulkan of the Salamanders due to thematic sensibilities on our part).

Andy took a selection of right horrible bastards including:

Judge with laspistol and riot shotgun
Abites with grenade launcher
3 with shotguns
2 with power mauls and riot shields
1 with bolter and bolt pistol
1 cyber mastiff

The polis

The Orks were a different kettle of fish altogether:

Boss Klanky: Warboss with mega armour, klaw, shoota and Terrifying
Skarga da Broot: Nob with big choppa, eavy armour, stikkbommz and Combat master
Stinky Zugg: Weirdboy with Ork hide, Warpfire and Dominatus
Sneekur: Kommando with big shoota and Ork Hide
Slinkur: Kommando with Burna, flamethrower and Ork Hide
Bitzboss: Mekboy with eavy armour and kustom mega blasta
5 Boyz with slugga, shoota and Ork Hide
3 Ard' Boyz with shoota and eavy armour

Ork Neds

Upon closer inspection of the forces arrayed on either side of the table, I began to experience a mounting sense of dread. As it happened, Andy hadn't noticed the special abilities section and so had failed to equip his wimpy umies with anything other than their poncy shotguns and suppression weapons.

Git.

Boss Klanky surveyed his assembled boyz with pride. The umie' gits weren't even in sight yet, but one of his ard' boyz, Grog was getting his eye in already by taking pot-shots at a grot slave. He was enjoying himself so much that Klanky didn't have the heart to tell him the Grot was already dead. The shoota's harsh report ceased abruptly as Grog poked at the headless, bullet ridden corpse with an exploratory toe. He sniffed, shot it a few more times for good measure, then wandered off in search of more target practice.


The 2 bloodaxe Kommandoes were eyeing the rest of the group disdainfully from a ruin nearby. One of them was even taking his shoota to bits and 'cleaning' it. 'Weirdos' thought Klanky in disgust. Skarga, Klanky's favoured lieutenant approached with a deferential scowl. 'It must be an intelligence report from me scouts.' thought Klanky.
"Boss, dem stoopid umie' gitz is comin'. Dat umie' grot wot we sent's comin' back wif em now!"
Klanky smiled. The umie' judge had been snooping around like some kind of bloodaxe weirdo, asking questions and using 'tactics'. He grimaced in revulsion. Still, that had been a particularly cunnin' bit of thinking on Stinky Zugg's part, sending the umie' ganger as an informant to the Arbites. It was even more impressive given the fact that Zugg was as mad as a bag of squigs on his best day.
"Oi Zugg! Dat was a right cunnin' plan dat woz!" bellowed Klanky. Zugg stared at him wildly through the bars of his cage. Green corposant limned his eyes and a dribble of saliva ran from between his clenched teeth. He screeched out a high-pitched laugh that made the nearby boyz shuffle away almost timidly.
"Hur hur hur, ya mental git!" laughed Klanky, slapping a nearby boy on the back; forgetting that was his power klaw hand. He frowned in annoyance. Now he was one boy down and the fight hadn't even started. He felt the need for an inspirational speech in order to redress the balance.
"Right ya bunch a gitz! Let's give dem stinkin' umies a right good kickin."


The boyz roared their approval. The green tide surged forward through the ruins in search of blood.

Nothing of particular note occurred in the first turn. My Kommandoes moved forward into the ruins with their Move through cover ability. Sneekur nestled down in a high vantage point and trained his big shoota on the distant arbites while his partner while Slinkur snuck into the ruins behind him, gleefully igniting his burna. He was followed by an Ard' boy and a slugga for support.

The Arbites advanced into the trenchworks facing the Ork line, (a squiggly line). The riot shield officers and cyber-mastiff headed for the ruins where Slinkur was lurking.

The Orks did some shooting, but we won't talk about that. It's too embarrassing. They used most of the shooting round to run while they were still outwith line of sight to the enemy. The Arbites fired their grenade launcher which detonated amidst the boys, but caused no casualties, (this being the first game, neither of us realised that the Arbites' launcher inflicts penalties even if no damage is done. D'oh!). An Arbites officer fired his bolter at Bitz boss, blowing a neat hole in his skull. I equalled his grit score with a dice roll and the Mekboy was knocked down for this turn.

There was no close combat.

"Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go!" the Orks advance into battle with their obligatory disregard for subtlety. Also, there is a cake in the background. 

Slinkur waits in the ruins, ready to pounce on the enemy! The Ard' boy, Grog shoots at  'dat weirdo cybork dog fing' but misses. In any case, he thoroughly enjoys the whole experience and happily reloads.

The Arbites advance to meet the Ork Threat.

Turn 2 saw more of the same with regard to movement, the exception being that those pesky riot shield Arbites were outwith true line of sight and so managed to run into the ruins and engage Slinkur! A slugga boy was able to move into the ruins in support, but fell short of the combat by half an inch. Bitz boss failed his grit roll to stand up, so lay down for another turn.

The lone Kommando swept his burna across both assailants and cut them in half, but was simultaneously smashed to green pulp by their flailing power mauls. 'Dat weirdo cybork dog-fing' was fast enough to reach Grog and subsequently tear his throat out!  Stinky Zugg had enough boyz within 6" that he didn't need a grit rool to use his powers. He began to cast Warpfire at the Arbites Judge, but got bored and sat down instead.

The Arbites with the grenade launcher managed to send a frag sailing down the throat of a slugga boy, detonating him in a shower of Orky bits, (Which greatly impressed and amused his surviving comrades).

Klanky roared and opened up with his shoota, killing the nearest Arbites in a hail of slugs.

Conflict in the ruins.

Firefight on the left flank.

"Oi, dat's me only Mekboy!!"
"Don't worry boss, e' got me in de ead!"

Action from turn 1

Death creeps ever closer, (or, more appropriately 'charges loudly' closer)

"Nice dog-fing, good dog-fing, clever d.... oi' dat's me brain dat is!"

Turn 3 was something of a mopping up round. Bitz boss stood up and scopped up some of his brain matter to put back in later on. Stinky Zugg tried to cast Warpfire again, but was distracted by his reflection in a nearby puddle which he subsequently unleashed the building stream of warp energy at instead. The hungry Cyber-mastiff leapt into the ruins to face my slugga boy and Klanky, Skarga and the rest moved forwards at snails pace, (as I forgot to 'Waaaagh'. Like a dick).

Arbites shooting claimed another Ard' boy, but a team effort to take out Sneekur in his heavy cover was met with frustration. Bitz boss evaporated an Arbites taking cover in the tank traps and Klanky fired his shoota just for the sake of making a dead loud noise.

The cyber mastiff ripped the throat out of my slugga boy with no damage to itself, but there was no other combat. The night was rapidly coming to a close and so we decided to move our two retinue leaders into close combat and duke it out. The Judge's laspistol grazed Klanky's mega armour. The mighty warlord's power klaw rose and fell. The Judge lay at his feet, sprawled in a broken heap as the monster's boot descended.

It was at that point that we realised I hadn't made him take a Terrifying test. Cock.

"Weedy umie git!"

'In the Emperor's Name' is just as fun as I expected it to be, which is to say that it's really a lot of fun. In retrospect, our retinues were woefully imbalanced. Andy rather reasonably suggested that one side should always be an Inquisitor, or Chaos cult in order to more comprehensively capture the spirit of the game.

The rules themselves are great, (who can complain about free rules?) but there are a lot of errors, typos and layout issues that make navigating them difficult. All that means for me is more than 1 game in order to get used to it.

I don't foresee any problem with playing more of this. You should try it.

Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part 3

Howdy.

Well today I thought 'what the hell' I'll do a comparison of 2 armies and see which one isn't as good as Vulkan of the Salamanders on his own, (We'll have time for some of your emails at the end):

First up is this army of my Mum:

2002500 Pts – Lizardmen Roster – Scaly Monsters

** CHARACTERS **

Slaan Mage-Priest (1#, 495 pts)
1 Slann Mage-Priest (Battle Standard Bearer), 300 pts = (base cost 275 + Battle Standard Bearer 25)
1 Cupped Hands of the Old Ones, 45 pts
1 Higher State of Consciousness, 50 pts
1 Soul of Stone, 50 pts
1 The Focused Rumination, 50 pts

** TROOPS **

Skinks (38#, 212 pts)
37 Skinks, 199 pts = 37 * 5 (base cost 5) + Musician Mus 6 + Standard Bearer Std 8
1 Skink Brave, 13 pts

Skinks (37#, 207 pts)
36 Skinks, 194 pts = 36 * 5 (base cost 5) + Musician Mus 6 + Standard Bearer Std 8
1 Skink Brave, 13 pts

** MONSTERS **

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Ancient Stegadon (6#, 275 pts)
1 Ancient Stegadon, 275 pts

Ancient Stegadon (6#, 275 pts)
1 Ancient Stegadon, 275 pts

** SUPPORT **

Chameleon Skinks (5#, 60 pts)
5 Chameleon Skinks, 60 pts = 5 * 12

Chameleon Skinks (5#, 60 pts)
5 Chameleon Skinks, 60 pts = 5 * 12

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

**Space marinechapter masters that I like a bit too much for it to be considered emotionally healthy**

Vulkan 2 000 000 pts

Composition report:

Points of Lords: 495 (0 – 625)
Points of Heroes: 0 (0 – 625)
Points of Core: 629 (625 – Unlimited)
Points of Special: 825 (0 – 1250)
Points of Rare: 550 (0 – 625)

Points of Vulkan: not enough (Uuuhhhh....)

Total Roster Cost: 3

Compare it now to this army:

2500 Pts – Dark Eldar Roster

1 Baron Sathonyx, 105 pts

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2, arses x5)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, hands x11)

1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, shoes x10)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, scary expressions x5)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

1 Ravager, 105 pts

1 Ravager, 105 pts

1 Ravager, 105 pts

Total Roster Cost: 2499

Now as you can see, the Lizardmen army obviously wins, because the Dark Eldar are a spaceborne race of sadistic warriors with advanced interdimensional technology and arcane battlelore. The Dark Eldar would be hampered by the fact that none of them have home and contents with an excess of less than £300 on the first claim. 

Also I did a jobby.

Anyway, here are some of your problems. First up is Dr Didav Stone from Gasglow, in Stcoland:

"Dear Uncle Truth.

I beat your mum at 40K last night. I demand my money back immediately, or I will sell her soiled undergarments on e-bastard forthwith. She is a good cook though, so it wasn't a total fail. 

P.S next father's day, I would like a lawnmower. I don't own a lawn, nor do I intend to in the near future. 

Now get me a fucking lawnmower."

Well Didivado, if you had actually READ my recent article on terrain, then you would know that 1/28th scale representations of Lidl stores DO NOT block LOS when throwing tangerines. To illusrtate, here is a picture of a bird with some tits:

And that's the end of that chapter. Remember kids, I'm significantly better at 40k than you. Join me next week on my House of Paincakes guest spot where I tell them how much better I am than them at 40k.

Oh, I just came.

Uncle Truth's problem cabin for gamers (issue 2)

Howdy.

Nobody at all asked me for my advice on gaming recently, so I thought I'd once more pollute the internet with a bilious excretion of self-aggrandizing twaddle that quite literally 'shags' all the fun right out of gaming under the premise that another human being actually sought out my advice.

This week's first gaming problem comes from warmacnut927:

Dear Uncle Truth. I can see you. I watch you changing into your pyjamas at night and it leaves a stain on toe of my right shoe. I will never wash that shoe. Ever. Those who know me and are familiar with my standards of personal hygiene will not think this decision out of character, but they are not privy to my emotional connection with this moment. I want to be inside you homes. For real.


Also, can you tell me how to beat and Epic Deneghra list?


Thanks.


Uuuuuuhhh.....


Well warmacnut927, I should probably start by saying that even though your question is about a game that obviously isn't 40K, I'm still better at 40k than you are at this game. What I recommend is taking Vulcan of the Salamanders chapter. I've always felt that Vulkan should only take units that he can get covered by third party insurance with only a very small excess. You should equip them with egg-mayonnaise sandwiches and a flask of hot water with the requisite number of teabags, (you should take the teabags with you instead of pouring ready-brewed tea in the flask, otherwise you will lose).



Next up is Unclesausagefind666:

Dear uncletruth. 


Can you write me a list for a 9 drop pod terminator assault list with 6 landraiders and a captain with two powerfists, each with a flamer on each powerfist each? Like you, I wish to suck all the fun out of gaming by talking about it a lot and only very rarely actually playing it. You are my hero.


That's great news son! What I suggest is that you wash the offending teeshirt with similarly coloured items and turn it inside out to protect the textured weave of the autobot symbol on its front. Remember, I'm significantly more good than you at 40k.

Also, I have all weapons.



Well that's it for this week's uncle truth's problem cabin. Remember to keep sending your gaming problems to Uncle Truth at www.darkenders.blogspot.com.

Remember folks, if you actually stop talking about gaming long enough to do it, then you're doing something wrong!