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Thursday, 1 December 2011

Games sweatshop in shock ‘Department of Intellectual Capital Knowledge’ announcement

In response to a very large number of complaints from customers, Games Sweatshop have announced their brand new ‘Department of Intellectual Capital Knowledge Service’, otherwise known as D.I.C.K.S.
Anthony Reynolds. A bit of
a  D.I.C.K, yesterday

D.I.C.K.S. is the brainchild of company founder and child runaway, Jervish Abin-Johnso-n. Its ranks incorporate some of the most active games developers and Black Library authors in the last 10 years of the company’s history and their remit is wide. Members include Gav Thorpe who wrote the High Elves army book; Anthony Reynolds who shat out the Word Bearers trilogy and Matt Ward, who is responsible for the Blood Angels, Dark Eldar and - most recently - Necrons codices. We caught up with Jerbivore McJohnnybag to ask him about these D.I.C.K.S.

“Basically these D.I.C.K.S. are the ones whose skills have to be redistributed; concentrated into a more focused operational remit than their previous duties permitted.” Contradicted Jervis, yesterday. “We weren’t sure whether Matt Ward was a proper D.I.C.K. or not, but then I saw that bit in the Necrons codex that I got my mummy to read to me where he says that there are more than 4 C’tan now and I realized that we had our man.”

Gav Thorpe now available in
Audio-cunt, yesterday 

Johnsing first saw the need for D.I.C.K.S. when a literal avalanche of complaint letters buried his household body-slaves alive one morning.

“Basically, my body-slaves were buried alive by hatemail when opening the door one morning.” Said Jervis, unnecessarily. “After not reading any of the letters and just cunting about doing whatever the fuck I wanted for about 2 years, my accountant told me that customers were a bit pissed off about the crazy shit going on in these new codices and army books. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t know nuffink about wargaming. Peronsally I think it’s for saddoes, but when my bottom-line is in trouble, I leap into action!” replied the uncle of 9, enigmatically.

Jervis - biggest D.I.C.K of all - worrying about
his customers' concerns from the moneybin, yesterday.

Like us, you’re probably wondering why author Anthony Reynolds has been included in this cabal of games designers.

“That’s a good question.” Replies Jervis. “Have you read the Word Bearers trilogy? No? Well find someone who has. It won’t be difficult. They have a hollow-eyed, defeated air of impenetrable misery; like a schoolboy that’s been caught in the act of throwing peanuts at a Nun, or somebody who’s read the Grey Knights codex for any other reason than a sense of deep irony.”

The man makes a fair point. We were also curious about the exact remit of this crack team of cracks.

"That's a good question." Replies, patronisingly. "Basically, I like to start most of my sentences with 'that's a good question' and 'basically' because they give me time to think. Just now, I'm thinking about ponies and not in a good way!"

Matt Ward, beardy D.I.C.K, yesterday

I managed to bring Jervis back on track by hitting him on the shoe with a kipper before doing a little dance. This brief interlude allowed me to capture his attention long enough for a cogent, relevant response of sorts.
"Oh right, the D.I.C.K.S." he says, smiling absentmindedly. "Basically, we decided to redeploy them from their original duties into those more befitting their natural skillset. Anthony and Matt will be involved in operational tasks of a manual nature, such as carrying pianos up and down flights of stairs without appropriate training and equipment, or painting the living room of an expensive house; descending quickly into cartoon-violence with destructive repercussions for their immediate environs. Gav will be charged with responsibility for waving a walking stick around and waddling around in a funny 'bow-legged' kind of walk."

Matt and Anthony at work, yesterday.
 D.I.C.K.S. was chosen in preference to the original designation, 'Dear Christ in heaven, please just get these fucking DICKS out of the way and keep a place for that Jeremy Vetock an' all. We don't like the look of him after that Ogre Kingdoms book!"


Atreides said...

great stuff.

i have had the dubious honour of meeting Jervis, and i can conform that he does say 'that's a good question' an awful lot. probably every time anyone asks him a question in fact.

Atreides said...

and by conform, i do in fact mean confirm!

one day gingers will rule the earth said...

Thank God. I'm glad you were able to conform that! ;-)