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Friday, 16 December 2011

Could this be the best homemade infinity board ever?

Check out this boardmaking diary by Infinity forum user 'fix'. I guarantee, no true wargamer will be disappointed:

http://www.infinitythegame.com/forum/showthread.php?tid=6397

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Games sweatshop in shock ‘Department of Intellectual Capital Knowledge’ announcement

In response to a very large number of complaints from customers, Games Sweatshop have announced their brand new ‘Department of Intellectual Capital Knowledge Service’, otherwise known as D.I.C.K.S.
 
Anthony Reynolds. A bit of
a  D.I.C.K, yesterday

D.I.C.K.S. is the brainchild of company founder and child runaway, Jervish Abin-Johnso-n. Its ranks incorporate some of the most active games developers and Black Library authors in the last 10 years of the company’s history and their remit is wide. Members include Gav Thorpe who wrote the High Elves army book; Anthony Reynolds who shat out the Word Bearers trilogy and Matt Ward, who is responsible for the Blood Angels, Dark Eldar and - most recently - Necrons codices. We caught up with Jerbivore McJohnnybag to ask him about these D.I.C.K.S.


“Basically these D.I.C.K.S. are the ones whose skills have to be redistributed; concentrated into a more focused operational remit than their previous duties permitted.” Contradicted Jervis, yesterday. “We weren’t sure whether Matt Ward was a proper D.I.C.K. or not, but then I saw that bit in the Necrons codex that I got my mummy to read to me where he says that there are more than 4 C’tan now and I realized that we had our man.”


Gav Thorpe now available in
Audio-cunt, yesterday 

 
Johnsing first saw the need for D.I.C.K.S. when a literal avalanche of complaint letters buried his household body-slaves alive one morning.

“Basically, my body-slaves were buried alive by hatemail when opening the door one morning.” Said Jervis, unnecessarily. “After not reading any of the letters and just cunting about doing whatever the fuck I wanted for about 2 years, my accountant told me that customers were a bit pissed off about the crazy shit going on in these new codices and army books. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t know nuffink about wargaming. Peronsally I think it’s for saddoes, but when my bottom-line is in trouble, I leap into action!” replied the uncle of 9, enigmatically.

Jervis - biggest D.I.C.K of all - worrying about
his customers' concerns from the moneybin, yesterday.


Like us, you’re probably wondering why author Anthony Reynolds has been included in this cabal of games designers.


“That’s a good question.” Replies Jervis. “Have you read the Word Bearers trilogy? No? Well find someone who has. It won’t be difficult. They have a hollow-eyed, defeated air of impenetrable misery; like a schoolboy that’s been caught in the act of throwing peanuts at a Nun, or somebody who’s read the Grey Knights codex for any other reason than a sense of deep irony.”


The man makes a fair point. We were also curious about the exact remit of this crack team of cracks.

"That's a good question." Replies, patronisingly. "Basically, I like to start most of my sentences with 'that's a good question' and 'basically' because they give me time to think. Just now, I'm thinking about ponies and not in a good way!"


Matt Ward, beardy D.I.C.K, yesterday

I managed to bring Jervis back on track by hitting him on the shoe with a kipper before doing a little dance. This brief interlude allowed me to capture his attention long enough for a cogent, relevant response of sorts.
"Oh right, the D.I.C.K.S." he says, smiling absentmindedly. "Basically, we decided to redeploy them from their original duties into those more befitting their natural skillset. Anthony and Matt will be involved in operational tasks of a manual nature, such as carrying pianos up and down flights of stairs without appropriate training and equipment, or painting the living room of an expensive house; descending quickly into cartoon-violence with destructive repercussions for their immediate environs. Gav will be charged with responsibility for waving a walking stick around and waddling around in a funny 'bow-legged' kind of walk."





Matt and Anthony at work, yesterday.
 D.I.C.K.S. was chosen in preference to the original designation, 'Dear Christ in heaven, please just get these fucking DICKS out of the way and keep a place for that Jeremy Vetock an' all. We don't like the look of him after that Ogre Kingdoms book!"




Sunday, 30 October 2011

Graphic novels and trade paperbacks going cheap(ish. A brutha' gotta' eat!)

Lots of stuff up for sale and even more available.

Have a look here. There's much more to come and combined postage to boot!

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Beasts of War in 'not that offensive' video shocker

I am utterly disappointed in BOW this week.

Imagine my delight when I saw the 'adult content' warning on their turn 8 halloween special. Imagine then, my subsequent disappointment when it turned out to be a bunch of fat guys sitting in crappy costumes sharing a childish joke about doing a poo in the cistern instead of the bowl.

Guys - for the record - you need to have some actual swearwords, or at the least some cock/minge to justify an adult content warning. Alternatively, here are some words that assist with your goal of being a bit more rude:


  • Poo
  • Bum
  • Jobby
  • Ladybits
  • Boobies


Any of which would suffice to make your video lamefest inordinately more naughty than the one which you falsely advertised!

On a related note, what's the fucking deal with that guy's accent? Sometimes I think it's Scottish, or posh Irish, but then he hits out with some trite, affected American neologism like 'Dude' which just makes him sound less American and more like a cunt.Usually, when faced with the soul-grinding doldrum of having to engage in conversation with people who talk in this manner, I opt for a pithy wordgame. For example:

"Oh hey dude, that was totally awesome. Legend!"

"Are you from America?"

"Me? No dude, I'm from Edinburgh."

"I see. In that case, would you care to engage in a simple word game?"

"Umm... yeah dude, ok!"

"Splendid. I have a message for you and in order to decipher it, I require that you arrange these words to form a well known phrase: Fuck off."


Rant over.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Uncle bastard's problem truth cabin of some shit with actual real cunts this time for a change which is nice because all the other ones are made up actually, no really, you didn't think they were real did you? Christ... Part 4a

Howdy.

Seeing as how most of our readers prefer this barely polysyllabic drivel to ACTUAL wargaming articles of worth, I'm driven yet again to evacuate more literary effluent from my bowels.

Unfortunately for the universe in general, some people from what I grudgingly refer to as the real world have decided to ACTUALLY write to Uncle Truth with their wargaming problems.

Go figure.


Here's the first failcake, Mark B from Glasgow:



Mark B, kicking a piano in Govan, yesterday


Dear Uncle Truth, recently my girlfriend suggested we try some roleplaying to spice things up in the bedroom. However, no matter how hard I roll my d20's it does not seem to impress her! I even showed her the character sheets so she knows what Target numbers I need and I'm beating them by loads! What else can I do to wipe the depressed look of disappointment off her face?


Dear bloke.

Your Imperial noble is a prick. If warhammer quest was any good then Games Workshop would still be selling it. They have never made any mistakes. Ever. I mean take the blood Angels codex for instance, or 8th edition Warhammer Fantasy battle? Forget about it yo. Trust me, if this game's any good, then Games Workshop will bring it out as an overpriced boxed set for about 4 hours and suddenly remember that they really liked it, even though they couldn't get the cunt off the shelves fast enough 10 years before.

Love,

Uncle Truth


Next tosser, J Lennon from Glaschuchu:


A Lennon, (not John) watching countdown, yesterday


Dear uncle truth, can you help? As a roleplayer im having trouble meeting girls....no matter how many random encounter charts i roll on it just doesnt happen (and i dont think the brief encounter with that kobald counts) A friend suggested going to a pub but i explained that i hadnt levelled adequately to follow proper tavern ettiquette (as per page 57 players guide). Can you help me?



No. I'm afraid that the only course of action when encountering a Gruffalo in the deep, dark wood is to lead it around a selection of animals that you have already outwitted with outlandish tales of the Gruffalo's ferocity and peculiar dietary requirements. Their shock at seeing the aforementioned monster in your company should elicit a suitably terrified reaction that the Gruffalo will mistakenly attribute to yourself.

You should then shoot the Gruffalo.

With a gun.

Love,
Uncle Truth x




Next is some cnut from Helen's bra, R Senior:




I've got nothin', yesterday



Dear Uncle Truth,

Over the past few years I have been playing a lot of Warhammer Recent Battles (First Edition) with my dad Sweyn, and have had some success: so far we have managed to retain the kingdoms of Norway and Denmark and have recently added England to the collection. I am a hands-on commander and not afraid to get my feet wet.

I was deeply affected by the recent death of my father (it took me weeks to wash his blood off the hilt of my seax) and have been wracked with indecision over what my next move should be. Do you think it would be an idea to introduce an elite warrior class into my southern domains, similar to the Hirdmen system that I have utilised in the north? If so, should I use them to systematically eliminate the powerbase and status of the saxon nobility.

Orrabest,
Cnut (the Great)

p.s. If you are gonna talk about me at least have the decency to spell my name right.




Dear cunt,

I was very sorry to hear about your gerbil. I recommend buying a warmachine starter set, burying all the heads in a hole beneath a crossroads at midnight, then pissing on the spot. You should then make Jervis Johnson dance naked and have a fight with Paolo Parente from Dust studios. Jervis will lose.

If you need to ask why, then you are a proper cnut!

Wuv, Unkel Trooth x



Well, they were generally of a very poor standard, (except that last one which was a bit highbrow because it mentioned history and that) and generally weren't very sweary at all. Also, there was a distinct lack of 40Kness about all that pish as well. I mean what exactly the fuck is Roleplaying and Historical Wargaming when it's at home anyway?! It sounds as though they haven't even got ludicrously overpriced figures, (of which vast quantities are required) ridiculously short-lived and equally expensive reference books with loads of typos and contradictions and millions of fucking dice!

If you ask me it'll never take off.

No, I'll just stick to not playing 40K, but still going to great pains to let everybody else know how much better at it I am than they at doing it.

Than them is.

Blah, blah, blah... Jervis McJohnsing... blah, blah... sucking Vulkan's cock...blah, blah...Dreadfleet, etc...


Saturday, 15 October 2011

Big Tits


Right, now that I have your attention, let's look at Dreadfleet from Games Sweatshop via the medium of Internet photostory drama:

"Yahaarrrr hee harrrr, (Etc) Oi be Cap'n Jago Roth o' the good ship Sigmar's wrath!
Oi be pursuin' moi nefarious, undead nemesis Count Noctilus through the treacherous igh' seas o' the ol' world in quest o' vengeance!"

"HIYAAAAAA! (Lol) GOD he is SOOOOOOO cheeky in't e? Ah'm actually pure nice once ye get tae KNOW me, (lolz)."
"Yahaarrrr hee harrrr, (Sorry, emphysema, yahaarrrr...) Soon shall oi' ave' a reckonin'  wit' the murderer of my happiness. Soon shall justifoid retribution be moine'! O' how I shall crow my victory atop his cold, dead corpse an' let salty tears of relief mingle with those o' the ocean's saline spray!"


"Oh my GOOODDDD, you are soooooo like, pure nippy an' that!? Aw ah did wis murder yer wife an' wains, (lol). Anyhow, it's no like yer gonnae git closure, know whit ah mean?"


"YAHAARRR NEE HAR NEE HAARRRRR... Speak Devil. What mean ye? (YAHARRRR, etc...)"


"Well, it's akshly PURE obvious when ye hink aboot it: Dae ye remember space hulk fae a few years back? (Lolz)"

"Yaharrrrrr! (Not particularly, no, but what's your point?) YAHAARRRR!"


"Well that wiz ane' ae these 'limited edition' releases an' a' an' that only hud 12 missions jist like Dreadfleet."



"Yaharrrr, (Yes, so?) aharrrrrghhh..."


"An' how many expansions huv there been fer Space Hulk silly? (LOLZ)"
"Yaharrrrmy, (Well, none...) aharrrrrgyyharghyhargghhh..."
"(LMFAO) So when ye've kilt me, WHIT ur ye gonnae dae then sillypants??"
"Yaharrrrnnnggg, erm... just keep on playin'  the set number of scenarios over and over against a much diminished variation of the limited permutaiton of fleet dispersals availble in the boxed set? Nyeeeharrrrrgyyharghyhargle?"



"ROFLZ!!!"



"Fuck"

Monday, 10 October 2011

Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part -3



Howdy.

Well, I just thought you all should know that I've gotten so tired of waiting for somebody to kick my ass at 40K that I decided to create an opponent from the pieces in my bitz box.

Here are the results:

Faceprick

As you can see, my new opponent evinces all of the qualities of personal attractiveness that make me such a superlative gamer. Namely:
  • Style
  • Panache
  • A sense of flair
  • Unique body odour
  • His own bed that he doesn't have to share with his Mum any more, because he's a big boy like me, (except on special hug night. Uhhhh...)
  • Glasses
In an unfortunate turn of events, I was forced to humanely destroy my new creation when - in a Mary Shelley's 'Dr Frankenstein's monster' related type incident topic - I was overcome with guilt at the enormity of my transgressions against nature. 

Also, he was a cunt.

cunt

In any case, that's the end of that chapter, so let's get on with the real work of trawling through the dogshit minefield that I like to call 'Reader's letters'. First up is Mr J Johnson of games sweatshop with a question about initiative priority in close combat:

Deer Unkcel Trooths,

Eye am a man. I liv in a howse with a chimnee and everything. It is ded good. Unfar Unifo Unfinky sum cunt is stealing meye moduls and selling them lyk thay arr his oan. He is a geye cauld Mantik and eye hayte him a lot!!!

pee ess, Eye am a man.

Luv Jarvis

Well Jarvis, I would be remiss were I not to point out that my ability to prosecute successful engagements against opponents via the medium of Warhammer 40K is significantly more advanced than your own, so let's consider that done, shall we? Now, onto one of your many problems; It's clear to me that your army list doesn't have enough melta guns. Please kill me. Also, you need more chimeras. I hate my life. My recommendation would be to immerse the testicles in a warm, saline solution in accordance with advice from your Doctor. End my suffering. I hope this helps, but I won't lose any sleep if it doesn't. 

Next, here's Brian from Govan:

Ho, Uncle Truth.

My name is Brian and I hail from the mist and rock-strewn climes of Valhallasfjord in Govan. Where the mighty frost giants do battle with the legendary warriors of Asgard on the spare ground just across from the Pierce institute where the Govan market used to be. Where of old, the songs of the mighty were woven by Skalds in glory of the rapine and murdermake they didst make in the name conquest it was a bit like that time when Davy wrote his name on the bus-shelter and we were like that, 'Naw Davy, dono't dae it man! You're pure MENTAL so ye are!' but he did it anyway, cos he's pure mental

At the risk of giving mine own eye to the ravens in quest of knowledge as did my grandsire Woden in times past Davy's granda got is' eye poked out tunin' the video recorder. Ah pure like Davy. He's nice. My question to thee o' sagely one is this: 

Do you favour a Mech Guard, or Foot Guard list for your IG armies and secondly, why does nobody on your egocentric, foetid arsehole of a website extend their diction beyond the use of banal acronyms that have the peculiar quality of being both indecipherable, yet boringly appropriate? 


Dear Brian.

Fuck off.

Next tosser:

Dear Uncle Truth.


I was curiously aroused by that picture of a bird picking up a bloke that you posted last time. Any chance of another one?


Love,
Danny at Static Games, Glasgow


 Dear Danny,

Don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows that the Dark Eldar beastmaster and his assorted pets are thematic fluff-pieces that serve no purpose on the battlefields of the 41st millenium, (Otherwise known as my Mum's dining table).

Regards, Uncle Truth. Next earspunkage:

Dear Uncle Truth,


I am writing to complain in the strongest terms about your next letter from Dr David Stone, Glasgow. 


Yours sincerely,

Jervis Johnson esq, decd.

Jervis McJohndo enjoying a fly wank, yesterday 

Dear Uncle Truth,

40K is pish and so is your Mum. I don't just mean in bed, but also at card games and making lasagne. 

Regards,
Dr David Stone,
Static Games, Glasgow

Dear Dr Stone,

I will have you know that if the good lord had intended deepstriking landraiders, then he would have given them wings, or flyer statistics at the very least. Good day to you sir.

Uncle Truth

P.S. here is a picture of a Landraider just in case you don't know what one looks like. Do you see any fucking wings?

A Land Raider, yesterday


Well folks, that's enough wargames cancer for this week. Join me next time when I improve Gav Thorpe's latest Eldar novel by crowning it with a big, steaming shite.










Saturday, 8 October 2011

Apologies for the mixup

Somehow I managed to leave out a big old chunk of story in my last instalment.

I've had a few complaints asking how Garrid Syridian ended up walking to his meeting with the Greylord when he was at death's door by the close of the previous episode.

I've updated the last Trencher instalment accordingly. I hope it hasn't spoiled your enjoyment of the story too much.

Cheers,

Tom

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Trencher part 2: Chapter 2


A long, ululating scream carried to them on the gentle morning breeze blowing from the hospital camp below.
“Menites” sighed Garrid, wearily. Kosmo nodded, smiling ruefully.
“Da. God botherers with big swords. Is bad combination for man of Kosmo’s prodigious appetites, I am thinking. No drinking. No smoking and no women.” Kosmo’s face wore a comic expression of disappointment. Garrid raised an eyebrow, despite his disquiet.
“How does someone who can’t use personal pronouns correctly know a word like prodigious?”
“Is one of life’s mysteries, I am thinking.”

The two men stood on a grass sward overlooking the camp. Garrid had been well enough to hobble around on a crutch for the last 2 days and had wasted little time exploring his environs. Kosmo had been only too glad to show him around the camp, but Garrid had to admit to being more than a little disturbed by the nature of his benefactors.

“When I saw your uniform, I thought that I had been captured.” Again he added, internally. He liked the Khadoran, but he was still an unknown quantity in some respects.
Kosmo sighed. “My side, they is not so much with the ‘capturing’ you see? There is a few bad cookies in our army, but worst of all is Scarecrow. He is real nasty customer.”
“Who is this Scarecrow?” asked Garrid, casually. He squinted into the hazy, middle distance as a chill breeze caused his thigh wound to flare, angrily. It was still an improvement, even from the day before. He could flex his toes without any pain now and bend the knee with only mild agony.
“He is Kommandant of Kosmo’s army and he is being proper bastard and no mistaking. He has big, ugly lifemen as personal bodyguards and sometime he say to them ‘Lifemen, find banner for the Scarecrow’ and then lifemen are looking for deserters, rebels, or enemies to make into banner.”
Garrid frowned “You mean ‘make him a banner’ Kos, not make into banner.” The Khadoran raised an eyebrow and sneered, haughtily.
“Kosmo is knowing what he means, Garrid. Lifemen are to making prisoners into banner for Scarecrow. He is having lots of banners; a new one for each week during campaign season.” Kosmo shook his head and spat.
“Do you think that they will let us go, the Menites?” asked Garrid. Kosmo shrugged.
“They are saying that we are either to join their order, or leave once we better. Sir piss-pants will not let you go before good lady says though.” Said Kosmo, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. Garrid laughed and their escort bristled behind them.
                              The two soldiers turned to regard him, sceptically as they had been doing since he had first been assigned to their protection. Sir Boreal Klayne was young; scarcely into his twenties with short, straw-coloured hair and barely a wisp of beard on his strong jaw. His enamelled plate armour shone in the morning sun, as did his bared blade. He was big and solid looking. He moved with cat-like grace despite his heavy raiment and wielded his blunted practice sword with consummate skill during training bouts. His disdain for the two soldiers was evident and they took every opportunity to push the stiff young man’s vows of protection to their limit.

“Hey sir Bore.” Yelled Kosmo, loudly.
“My name is Boreal.” Growled the knight.
“Sorry, sir boring fart…”
“BOREAL!”
“I am knowing your name boring man. Kosmo is not caring. Anyway, like I am saying before you so rudely interrupt senior officer…” but this was too much for Boreal.
“Montfels is my superior, not some ale-sotted lackwit like you!” Kosmo’s hands were raised placatingly.
“You correct, obviously. Kosmo is not member of your silly, god-bothering army with its stupid rockets and endless prayers, but Kosmo is still sir Boring’s senior.”
“You are a fool.” Snapped the young knight, truculently. There was silence for a moment.
“How can you be my senior?!” he barked, angrily. Kosmo smiled surreptitiously and cracked his knuckles. Garrid sniggered.
“Is simple, little toy knight. Kosmo is sir boring fart’s senior in ways of life. Kosmo has drunk, smoked and screwed his way across these lands of Immoren while the only teats ser boredom has known are his milk-mother’s. Also, with stupid vows of abstinence…” Kosmo wrinkled his nose in disgust “These are likely to be last ones he is seeing. Unless young boring fart is liking boys?” Boreal glared as Garrid tried to stifle his laughter.
“You are uncouth. Were it not for my vows before the lady I would…”
“You would be bedslave in some Ordik fleshhouse I am thinking.” Said Kosmo casually, waving a hand dismissively. “Step back out of earshot little boy. Men are needing to talk in private now, Da?” Boreal fumed. His eyes narrowed and for a moment Garrid thought the young knight may actually raise his sword, but the moment passed like a cloud over the sun and the young knight fell to one knee; his head bowed.
                Garrid and Kosmo turned around. They had been here long enough to know who was approaching. Both men nodded respectfully to Errant Montfels, commander of the camp’s tiny garrison. He returned the gesture. His bare head looked ridiculously tiny atop that enormous, armoured frame.
                         His face was craggy and lined with age, but his eyes were clear, green and bright. White hair had been shorn close into his skull in a widow’s peak after the manner of his order. He walked beside his charge with three knights in tow. The lady looked slight and frail beside her protectors.
“Sergeant Syridian, Sergeant Kosmo.” She nodded, favouring the two men with a weary smile. Both men bowed as low as their injuries would allow. Garrid had never been quite sure what Kosmo’s injury was and had never thought it appropriate to ask, but the Khadoran bowed without apparent strain.
“You are looking well, I see. When first Montfels brought you to my camp you seemed at the very doors of Urcaen itself.”
“I owe my life and health to you, lady.” He replied immediately. She wasn’t the most naturally beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her face was thin and equine. Her eyes were far apart and very large. Her front teeth were slightly crooked and freckles dotted her high cheekbones, but still she radiated a purity and innocence that made it pleasant to be in her proximity.  
         
Her smile thought Garrid She has a shy smile and killers at her beck and call.

“Your health, I gift to you. Your life belongs to Menoth, as do the lives of all men trueborn.” She replied, bowing her head. Her knights repeated the gesture. “Soon you will be well enough to leave us, or join?” she added, hopefully. Garrid had to admit, the peace of the camp was alluring. It might be nice to use his hands for something other than killing. Every time he closed his eyes the Khadoran boy’s face swam before him. Sometimes it was unblemished; other times his brow was swollen with a ghastly, purple lump. Sometimes it was the dead horse, which made him sadder than he would have expected. Last night he had dreamt of young Kuros alone in the dark, terrified.
“I must admit, my lady, that your way of life has great appeal to me, but these are not healing hands, I fear.” He lifted them in their new, kidskin gloves as though she might be able to see the blood that he did. She smiled.
“No man is without fault, or sin. Menoth forgives all who come to him seeking absolution.”
“For any sin?” asked Kosmo, suspiciously.
“Yes sergeant, any.” Kosmo smiled brightly.
“Well lady, when you are putting it like this: one time Kosmo’s brother was away at fighting and left his young wife at home. As if this is not bad enough, he is also leaving her sister there to defend her honour. There is only being one bed, as some no good scoundrel is to breaking theirs with an axe while I is out chopping wood, so Kosmo is then suggesting…”
“I think I understand the nature of your admission sergeant Kosmo.” Said the lady, calmly raising a hand to forestall the inevitable gory details. Perhaps it was a brain injury? Thought Garrid as he noted the stony glare of the lady’s knights.
“I digress gentlemen. There is another, more serious matter that we must discuss.”
“Pleas continue my lady.” Said Garrid. She nodded solemnly and drew a deep breath.
“Some men arrived at the camp this morning. Khadoran men. Soldiers.” Kosmo’s face was set, but Garrid thought he sensed the barest hint of a tremor at his eye.
“What do they want?” asked Garrid, in as measured a tone as he could manage.
The lady turned her head to stare at him directly.
“You.”


“You didn’t have to come with me.” Said Garrid, softly.
“Is no matter.” Said Kosmo with a strained smile. The Winterguard looked old, haggard. It was as though he had aged in the 2 hours since they had been told of the visitors. Garrid was dreading what they would find waiting for them in the dell. They asked for you by name said the lady.

The meeting place was a scant mile outside of camp, but the going was slow between Garrid’s crutch and the treacherous landscape of snow covered rocks and frozen bog. Sparse, sickly trees struggled up and Garrid recognised features of the area where he had been taken.
                         A mile was the closest the lady would allow visitors to approach. Pickets had hailed the Khadorans and bid them wait while word of their arrival was sent to the camp. Montfels had utterly forbidden the lady to attend, regardless of the slight to his honour that such disobedience implied. Garrid was glad that the old knight had come in her place. His physical presence was enormous and threatening when required, but more than that he exuded an aura of stern, implacable resolve. 8 other knights errant accompanied them, including the omnipresent and long-suffering sir Boreal. Kosmo’s uncharacteristic silence was providing the young knight with a reprieve today, however.
                  Apart from requesting that he accompany Garrid to his meeting, Kosmo hadn’t said a word since news of the Khadoran party reached the hospital camp. That worried him immensely. Kosmo was his friend of 2 weeks. He had been a winterguard for years and a Khadoran his whole life. For once, there was no way to tell what was going on in his mind.
          “We are nearly there.” Said Montfels, softly. Garrid had spoken about the commander with the truculent Boreal one evening while they supped. At first the young knight had been suspicious; due in part, no doubt to Garrid’s association with the acerbic sergeant Kosmo. When he saw that Garrid was sincere in his interest, the prickly young man had entered into his idiom; haltingly at first, then with greater enthusiasm.
             It turned out that Boreal was Montfels’ nephew by marriage. He idolised his uncle and was only too eager to share stories about his deeds. Tales of blood and valour sounded hollow to Garrid, but he listened politely as the youth talked; his simple meal lying uneaten on the platter before him.
                      The giant was already a living legend at the time when fighting erupted in the city of walls. Montfels was fighting beneath the walls of distant Sul when he suffered a mortal wound from the mighty Cygnaran Sword knight, Sir Brindborne of Highgate. The Cygnaran was well known as a winebag, lothario and deadly duellist of enormous dexterity and skill. He was fighting in Sul as penance for killing a distant relation of the Raelthornes in a duel.
            Somehow his sword had found a weakness in the Menite’s defence; punching up through his mailed uxter and piercing the bottom of his heart. Montfels great broadsword had licked out as he fell; opening the plate mail covering Brindborne’s gut as well as the soft flesh beneath. The two mighty warriors had fallen to the ground while their brothers fought and died around them.
                       Lady Caducea had found them bleeding out. She was fleeing along with the remnants of her aunt’s household staff when their groans alerted her. The servants fled, but the young Caducea swallowed her fear and approached to find the two giants awash with blood, clinging grimly to life.
                Both men had been fatally wounded; both had been recalled from the brink of death by the lady. Brindborne had forsaken Morrow in favour of the Menite faith and pledged his sword to her. Montfels did the same and soon word of her fame had spread.
“My uncle has been with the lady since the beginning of her order.” The young knight had bragged. “When I was of an age, he sent to Imer for me and made me his squire.” The young man said it with such fierce pride that Garrid worried for him. Kuros had been of an age with this young knight, he remembered. It had been a long time since he had thought of the trenches. It seemed a different lifetime now.

The trees gave way to sloping, open ground that led down into a clearing. The Menite party stopped at the treeline and Montfels addressed both sergeants.
“We shall brook no treachery from them, or you. Menoth is watching.” Said the old Knight flatly.
You mean errants with crossbows are watching thought Garrid, but considered it impolitic to say out loud. Montfels was a very different creature from his nephew.
“Remember sir, that if you suspect treachery on the part of this deviant, then you have but to signal and we shall intervene.”
Garrid nodded his gratitude– fairly certain of what Montfels’ intervention would constitute – and set off down the incline with Kosmo’s assistance. The Khadoran was silent for the duration of their descent.
                   A single fallen log lay in the centre of the clearing with a large, flat boulder nearby. No snow rested on the boulder and as Garrid approached, he noted scratch marks on its surface. Closer inspection revealed that they were crude runes, but there was no opportunity to examine them further. The Greylord was waiting.
         He was seated on the log examining the beard of his rune-encrusted axe in its belt noose as though he had never noticed it before. A long, fur-trimmed cloak of sky blue was draped about his shoulders. Lobstered pauldrons of deep red capped his shoulders and his thin, grizzled face was framed by a shock of white hair and dirty, greying beard. The same beard hid his torso. He looked ancient, as though carved from frozen rock, but there was an undeniable sense of robustness in the man’s carriage. He’s younger than he appears thought Garrid.
            A long staff of carved green stone glowed in his left hand. It was vaguely unsettling to look at. Garrid could almost swear that he heard a voice from somewhere far away. He was reminded uncomfortably of his experience at the roadside and cleared his throat, noisily.
               The Greylord looked up from his axe, blinking as though in surprise at Garrid and then Kosmo who would not return the man’s gaze.
“May I presume that you are Sergeant Garrid Syridian of the royal Cygnaran military?” asked the man in perfectly accented Caspian. Garrid’s surprise must have been evident, judging by the man’s smile. “Please, don’t trouble yourself sirrah. Your face answers my questions in your stead. Will you sit?” he asked, gesturing toward the boulder. “We have much to discuss and I have no wish to further discomfit invalids any more than I have already.”
Kosmo helped Garrid to sit down awkwardly on the boulder, but made no motion to sit himself; neither did their host encourage him to do so. The Greylord smiled.
“You have given us quite the run around sir, but I fear that your race is at an end.”
“Do tell.” Said Garrid with a smile. “I think your eyes must be milking over old man. You missed my running partners.” Garrid gestured over his shoulder. The Grey lord’s eyes flicked to the incline’s crest where Montfels stood silhouetted against the sky like some primordial statue.
“I warrant that there are others in the wood surrounding us too.” Said the greylord with undisguised admiration. “You will find, however sir, that I too have companions.” His staff glowed brightly and for a moment Garrid heard the dreadful susurrus of wailing voices and agonised screams coming from a deep, fathomless place. Huge, muscular figures with colander helmets stepped from the treeline behind the Greylord.
           Their powerfully built bodies were covered in tattoos and they wore mismatched armour in addition to their helms. Each was chained to a glowing, green blade that no normal man could use with two hands, let alone lift with one as the silent warriors did. Kosmo gave a barely audible groan of despair.
“Have no fear.” Chuckled the greylord “You are protected under the rules of parley as am I. Nobody can hurt you, but that will not always be the case.” Garrid stared at him gravely. The old man gave up smiling and sighed.
“I could care less about you sirrah. I am old and have borne my burden for too long.” Garrid suspected that the burden was his staff, but remained silent.
“My Kommandant has sent me to fetch you and here I am. I don’t know why he wants you and I care even less. I only ask that you consider your situation very carefully. It is in your best interest and the interest of your protectors that you accompany me to our camp.” Garrid sneered.
“The way I understand it sirrah, our lady Caducea is a notable. Her name is known at tower judgement. You would risk open war with the protectorate over a simple soldier?” The Greylord tutted loudly and scowled. He looked around before lowering his voice.
“Please sirrah, you insult me. I am old, not simple. We both know what kind of man pursues you. Even in the prikaz, he has influence. Whatever he wants of you, others will pay the price for your stubbornness. There are worse things in the woods behind me than my Doom Reavers, believe it!” Garrid wondered at that. “Believe me, my superiors would be unhappy were I to awaken the sleeping fire. I will not give you the excuse to draw the Menites’ attention away from Cygnar and just in case you doubt my sincerity, I have a stronger incentive for this encounter to be a peaceful one…” The old man reached into his robe and withdrew a wooden menofix. It was tied to a hempen cord and crusted with layers of burgundy paint. It had obviously been recoated many times and Garrid knew then that it was a personal treasure.
“Is that why they sent you? Did they think that the Menites would treat with one of their own? You’re still a wizard. These are fanatics, despite their mission of healing.” The greylord laughed out loud, slapping one knee with his free hand.
“You think theirs is a mission of healing? Of peace? Tell that to the ones who try to leave before your ‘lady’ deems them fit.” He looked meaningfully at Kosmo who made a show of staring at his feet. “Patients leave the order one of two ways: with a Menofix around their neck, or feet first. Your friend here knows this too, I think.” He said, gesturing to Kosmo who looked up at his countryman for the first time.
                   There was such despair in his eyes that Garrid felt a stab of anguish. In part it was empathy for his friend, but some of it was betrayal. Kosmo had become a friend and confidante. They were so intent on one another that they failed to notice the stealthy approach of Montfels.
“The hour grows late and my lady commands that we travel only by day.” said the knight, in his soft, commanding voice. The Greylord smiled at him.
“Is this great knight afraid of the dark?” he asked innocently. Montfels leaned forward, his massive bulk dwarfing that of the seated wizard.
“This great knight fears nothing, especially not your gaggle of rapists and thieves with their talking swords.” The Greylord smirked.
“You might fear them sir knight, were you to find them pursuing you through the woods by night.”
Montfels rested a gauntleted hand on his sword pommel, meaningfully. “My sword speaks too, but it only knows one word.”
The Greylord tutted impatiently and waved his hand. “I want this man for my lord Udzenko Sir Knight. You waste time and place your people in unnecessary peril.”
“This man’s life is his own.” Replied the knight, flatly. “You will take my own before you have his.”
Garrid was bemused to say the least. The Greylord could have been lying about his protectors. Perhaps Kosmo was merely a craven using the hospital as an excuse to keep out of the war? Why then, had he appeared so anguished at the mention of release? Nothing was making sense and the exchange of veiled threats between two old men was not helping matters.
“The only reason my Kommandant has not wiped your rabble from the face of Immoren is the Menite campaign army massing north of here. Yes sir knight, I note your surprise. We know much of what goes on in our country. We are not so blind as our southern neighbours. We have no intention of seeing another ‘Sul’ in Khador. Do not mistake my lord Udzenko’s reluctance to kill you for a guarantee that he will not.”
“Your visit has been wasted hedge wizard” snarled Montfels, pointing an armoured finger in the other man’s face. “You will leave while you yet can.” The Greylord leaned back involuntarily; looking angry for the first time.
“That will take time sir knight.” He said quietly, eyes smouldering like a winter sun. “As you can see, I am accompanied by 20 Doom Reavers, a column of iron fang and Grimwolf pikemen; not to mention a clan of Kossites – though I will admit to having lost sight of them. They are so hard to keep track of – I’m sure they will turn up in due time, however.” He finished with a little shrug. Montfels shivered with barely suppressed rage.
“You will make use of the guest right to tuck your ragged cloak between your legs and fly, craven. My courtesy is at its limit. Come patients. We return.” With that, the huge warrior’s armoured form turned on the spot and he stomped away. Garrid and Kosmo hurried to catch up to him, but not before Garrid caught his friend directing one last, longing look toward his Kinsmen in the treeline.
Garrid’s eyes met those of the Greylord one last time.
“Please.” He begged in a plaintive tone that resonated genuine exasperation. Garrid lowered his head and hobbled on in Montfels’ wake. Somehow the old man’s look of despair had been more unsettling than if he had been angry.
“You ok Kos?” asked Garrid, but the Khadoran didn’t respond. He placed an arm around Garrid’s back, taking the weight from his leg. He lowered his head and walked on in silence.
         Snow began to fall in a wild flurry all about them, blotting out the weak light of the setting sun.

Night was falling.

Friday, 23 September 2011

Here is an announcement! (And an 'In the Emperor's name' battle report).

Dark end of the street's agony aunt, uncle truth would like to apologise profusely and in the most unconditional terms for the quality of his last column, as it was pish.

Unfortunately, he can't as he's busy being better at 40K than you. As some small recompense, here is a battle report for my first game of 'In the Emperor's Name!'

In order to get into the rules, Andy and I decided to run an assassination mission using whatever we had available at the time. This resulted in a rather one-sided, but fun engagement between an Orc arms-dealer and an Arbites patrol, (Unfortunately Uncle Truth, we were unable to justify the inclusion of Vulkan of the Salamanders due to thematic sensibilities on our part).

Andy took a selection of right horrible bastards including:

Judge with laspistol and riot shotgun
Abites with grenade launcher
3 with shotguns
2 with power mauls and riot shields
1 with bolter and bolt pistol
1 cyber mastiff

The polis
The Orks were a different kettle of fish altogether:

Boss Klanky: Warboss with mega armour, klaw, shoota and Terrifying
Skarga da Broot: Nob with big choppa, eavy armour, stikkbommz and Combat master
Stinky Zugg: Weirdboy with Ork hide, Warpfire and Dominatus
Sneekur: Kommando with big shoota and Ork Hide
Slinkur: Kommando with Burna, flamethrower and Ork Hide
Bitzboss: Mekboy with eavy armour and kustom mega blasta
5 Boyz with slugga, shoota and Ork Hide
3 Ard' Boyz with shoota and eavy armour


Ork Neds
Upon closer inspection of the forces arrayed on either side of the table, I began to experience a mounting sense of dread. As it happened, Andy hadn't noticed the special abilities section and so had failed to equip his wimpy umies with anything other than their poncy shotguns and suppression weapons.

Git.

Boss Klanky surveyed his assembled boyz with pride. The umie' gits weren't even in sight yet, but one of his ard' boyz, Grog was getting his eye in already by taking pot-shots at a grot slave. He was enjoying himself so much that Klanky didn't have the heart to tell him the Grot was already dead. The shoota's harsh report ceased abruptly as Grog poked at the headless, bullet ridden corpse with an exploratory toe. He sniffed, shot it a few more times for good measure, then wandered off in search of more target practice.


The 2 bloodaxe Kommandoes were eyeing the rest of the group disdainfully from a ruin nearby. One of them was even taking his shoota to bits and 'cleaning' it. 'Weirdos' thought Klanky in disgust. Skarga, Klanky's favoured lieutenant approached with a deferential scowl. 'It must be an intelligence report from me scouts.' thought Klanky.
"Boss, dem stoopid umie' gitz is comin'. Dat umie' grot wot we sent's comin' back wif em now!"
Klanky smiled. The umie' judge had been snooping around like some kind of bloodaxe weirdo, asking questions and using 'tactics'. He grimaced in revulsion. Still, that had been a particularly cunnin' bit of thinking on Stinky Zugg's part, sending the umie' ganger as an informant to the Arbites. It was even more impressive given the fact that Zugg was as mad as a bag of squigs on his best day.
"Oi Zugg! Dat was a right cunnin' plan dat woz!" bellowed Klanky. Zugg stared at him wildly through the bars of his cage. Green corposant limned his eyes and a dribble of saliva ran from between his clenched teeth. He screeched out a high-pitched laugh that made the nearby boyz shuffle away almost timidly.
"Hur hur hur, ya mental git!" laughed Klanky, slapping a nearby boy on the back; forgetting that was his power klaw hand. He frowned in annoyance. Now he was one boy down and the fight hadn't even started. He felt the need for an inspirational speech in order to redress the balance.
"Right ya bunch a gitz! Let's give dem stinkin' umies a right good kickin."


The boyz roared their approval. The green tide surged forward through the ruins in search of blood.

Nothing of particular note occurred in the first turn. My Kommandoes moved forward into the ruins with their Move through cover ability. Sneekur nestled down in a high vantage point and trained his big shoota on the distant arbites while his partner while Slinkur snuck into the ruins behind him, gleefully igniting his burna. He was followed by an Ard' boy and a slugga for support.

The Arbites advanced into the trenchworks facing the Ork line, (a squiggly line). The riot shield officers and cyber-mastiff headed for the ruins where Slinkur was lurking.

The Orks did some shooting, but we won't talk about that. It's too embarrassing. They used most of the shooting round to run while they were still outwith line of sight to the enemy. The Arbites fired their grenade launcher which detonated amidst the boys, but caused no casualties, (this being the first game, neither of us realised that the Arbites' launcher inflicts penalties even if no damage is done. D'oh!). An Arbites officer fired his bolter at Bitz boss, blowing a neat hole in his skull. I equalled his grit score with a dice roll and the Mekboy was knocked down for this turn.

There was no close combat.


"Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go!" the Orks advance into battle with their obligatory disregard for subtlety. Also, there is a cake in the background. 

Slinkur waits in the ruins, ready to pounce on the enemy! The Ard' boy, Grog shoots at  'dat weirdo cybork dog fing' but misses. In any case, he thoroughly enjoys the whole experience and happily reloads.

The Arbites advance to meet the Ork Threat.
Turn 2 saw more of the same with regard to movement, the exception being that those pesky riot shield Arbites were outwith true line of sight and so managed to run into the ruins and engage Slinkur! A slugga boy was able to move into the ruins in support, but fell short of the combat by half an inch. Bitz boss failed his grit roll to stand up, so lay down for another turn.

The lone Kommando swept his burna across both assailants and cut them in half, but was simultaneously smashed to green pulp by their flailing power mauls. 'Dat weirdo cybork dog-fing' was fast enough to reach Grog and subsequently tear his throat out!  Stinky Zugg had enough boyz within 6" that he didn't need a grit rool to use his powers. He began to cast Warpfire at the Arbites Judge, but got bored and sat down instead.

The Arbites with the grenade launcher managed to send a frag sailing down the throat of a slugga boy, detonating him in a shower of Orky bits, (Which greatly impressed and amused his surviving comrades).

Klanky roared and opened up with his shoota, killing the nearest Arbites in a hail of slugs.



Conflict in the ruins.

Firefight on the left flank.

"Oi, dat's me only Mekboy!!"
"Don't worry boss, e' got me in de ead!"

Action from turn 1

Death creeps ever closer, (or, more appropriately 'charges loudly' closer)

"Nice dog-fing, good dog-fing, clever d.... oi' dat's me brain dat is!"

Turn 3 was something of a mopping up round. Bitz boss stood up and scopped up some of his brain matter to put back in later on. Stinky Zugg tried to cast Warpfire again, but was distracted by his reflection in a nearby puddle which he subsequently unleashed the building stream of warp energy at instead. The hungry Cyber-mastiff leapt into the ruins to face my slugga boy and Klanky, Skarga and the rest moved forwards at snails pace, (as I forgot to 'Waaaagh'. Like a dick).

Arbites shooting claimed another Ard' boy, but a team effort to take out Sneekur in his heavy cover was met with frustration. Bitz boss evaporated an Arbites taking cover in the tank traps and Klanky fired his shoota just for the sake of making a dead loud noise.

The cyber mastiff ripped the throat out of my slugga boy with no damage to itself, but there was no other combat. The night was rapidly coming to a close and so we decided to move our two retinue leaders into close combat and duke it out. The Judge's laspistol grazed Klanky's mega armour. The mighty warlord's power klaw rose and fell. The Judge lay at his feet, sprawled in a broken heap as the monster's boot descended.

It was at that point that we realised I hadn't made him take a Terrifying test. Cock.

"Weedy umie git!"

'In the Emperor's Name' is just as fun as I expected it to be, which is to say that it's really a lot of fun. In retrospect, our retinues were woefully imbalanced. Andy rather reasonably suggested that one side should always be an Inquisitor, or Chaos cult in order to more comprehensively capture the spirit of the game.

The rules themselves are great, (who can complain about free rules?) but there are a lot of errors, typos and layout issues that make navigating them difficult. All that means for me is more than 1 game in order to get used to it.

I don't foresee any problem with playing more of this. You should try it.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part 'a million'

Howdy.

Ah fuck it. I'm tired:

[Insert post about how boring, egotistical prick really likes Vulkan of the Salamanders followed by inane, clearly fabricated letters from imaginary complainants.]

[Insert picture of bird with tits in order to shamelessly divert google traffic to your blog and thus boost stats.]

Right, I've got work in the morning.

Significantly better at 40K than you whaffle, drone, blah, etc, etc... Vulkan, etc...

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Published in the Skavenblight Gazette again! ;)

As above, those lovely folks at the Skavenblight Gazette were gracious enough to include my short story "Verminlord" for publication in their latest issue.

You can find it here if you've the notion...

Enjoy

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

"In the Emperor's Name" skirmish game

I thought that I might break the habit of what seems a lifetime and share some hobby happenings on this supposed hobby blog, turned cynical, hero-phobic GW chopshop.

To that end, I direct your attention, (willing or otherwise) toward an excellent and FREE set of skirmish rules aptly dubbed, "In the Emperor's Name!" by some very talented chaps at Forge of War.

I haven't even played a game yet, but have rather predictably gotten too carried away with it by far and picked what is conceivably one of the more annoying factions to convert, namely the genestealer cult.

I began my conversion martyrdom on Saturday last by purchasing a cadian command boxed set and then scrabbling around for what remained of my plastic Imperial Guardsmen at the bottom of the spare room wardrobe.

Then I grabbed a few torsos and some greenstuff and did these:




Being more than happy with this slapdash attempt at sculpting additional torso padding/ablative plating, I moved on to some blobby, ill-defined plates for the legs:


Not satisfied with this disgrace to sculpture, I decided to extend my transgression to a completed leg and torso arrangement, just so:



One is intended as a generic trooper-type; the other a prospective Magus' body.


My crimes against greenstuff were not yet complete, so I grabbed a few bare heads from my bits box and smacked a dod of the aforementioned putty-like substance between the eyes of the aforementioned craniums in imitation of latter stage hybrid disfigurement, like so:


Now that my nefarious disfigurements of perfectly usable IG body parts were complete, (including a wee pile of weapon arms and other bits that I couldn't be fucked photographing tonight.) I decided that my hideous creations should live on in infamy (and also that the big fuck-ton of 2 part resin and silicon that I had purchased some time ago should be put to good use before its existence and monetary value be questioned by the overseer...). To that end, I created my very first ever silicon mould yesterday and cast my first pieces this very night:



I'm pretty happy with these for a first attempt. I say first attempt, these were best out of three. The mix is really difficult to get right and I never would have managed if not for The Leadhead and his sagely advice. Then again, if I hadn't stumbled across his fucking (good) blog in the first place, then I might have lived my life quite happily without the motivation to try casting for myself.

2 things to consider in light of this post:

1. Sculpted/converted something? Save it forever. Learn how to cast your own stuff. It's daunting, but really quite simple and very rewarding. I wouldn't dream of imitating the tutorial on Leadhead's blog. If you're thinking of learning how, then it's a great place to start.

2. "In the Emperor's Name" is not Necromunda with Space Marines. Anyone who says that is a cunt. Do yourself a favour and at least read the rules in full before arriving at a decision about them. They're free and some good people used their own time and skill to put them out there for you. In my opinion, they bring the 40K universe to life and allow players to capture that aspect that only really comes through in the associated fiction, (With the obvious exception of 'The Word Bearers' series).
            If you're already a 40K player with a collection of models, then you're in clover. Don't have any? You only need as many as you want.  

It's like Rogue Trader without the extraneous rules and laborious army/vehicle/equipment generation. It captures the feel of the 40K universe perfectly for those misty-eyed nostalgics with lead poisoning who want to run a squat miner, eldar pirate, or Slann retinue. You can have an Imperial Guard retinue with beastmen and there are actual, DECENT psychic powers!

Support the folks at 'Forge of War' and download those rules before GW legal come a' calling. You owe it to yourself.

Saturday, 27 August 2011