Follow by Email

Monday, 30 May 2011

Warhound Titan update

I've been moderately busy this week, but still managed to find time for this ridiculous notion:

Here he is with an Orc boy; just to show you the scale

Friday, 27 May 2011

Vor the maelstrom - the straw the broke the camel's back

I never actually played this game back in the day, but I remember it as my first experience of discovering a system that was nothing to do with Games Workshop.

My friend Freddy had a pile of rulebooks and comics below his desk in work when I was posted there on a University placement. He let me read his Shard forcebook, (as well as the copious number of comics stored below his desk) and told me all about his experiences with the game at our club, G3.

I can't stress this enough: VOR has simply the best background fluff of any games system. It has long been credited as one of the most intuitive and customisable rulesets ever written and is just plain sexy.

You can imagine my happiness when I was in Static Games, Glasgow the other day and picked up these 5 Vor books for £1 each:

Now being a bit OCD, I've decided that I obviously don't have enough to do and have decided to revive this game in all its glory. I'm going to do so by converting and sculpting my own models for both Pharon and Shard factions, then taking it to G3 in Glasgow where a few people will look at it in bewilderment, then go and play Warmachine.

If you want to join me, then a lovely bloke called Paul at Ral Partha Europe Ltd prints the entire range of rulebooks and most of the original minis, (which are a bit dated, but still cool). If you're in the States, the Iron Wind Metals are your go to guys.

Pig Iron miniatures and Wargames Factory will form the basis for my Union and Neo Sov forces, with Privateer Press Trollbloods being a good stand-in for Growlers. No clue about Zhykee as yet, but watch this space. Once Gary's Titan is completed, it'll be VOR central for a while.

Ignorance is bliss

If Games Workshop insist on emailing me this garbage each week, then it's my responsibility as an aspiring blogger to make use of it in the least socially acceptable manner conceivable. 

Observe - if you will - the last supper of Christ. 

"But Ginger one!" I hear you declaim. "Where is the saviour? 
Why are there so many in attendance at the humble repast of our lord? 
Why are they so plagued by acne and social awkwardness? Why are they on what is clearly a ground floor edifice? ( "And he will shew you a large upper room furnished and prepared: there make ready for us." Mark 14:15)

These are all valid points, but there is method to my seeming madness; method which shall be revealed in due course.

Consider, if you will, that the exultant joy of these unwashed, prepubescent miscreants is featured in a newsletter announcing the launch of Citadel finecast. Now consider this:

The people in this picture have just been told that they will be able to buy models cast in a material that makes them considerably cheaper to produce than their metal counterparts, yet will cost them more money to purchase.

Did you get that?

They've just been told that their already expensive hobby is going to become more expensive for no discernible reason other than making money for the company.

Just checking.

Bearing all this in mind, I assume that these youngsters are in the throes of some religious fervour on a par with attendance at the feast of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ. Either that, or they are some masochistic fucks that will look back on this with shame when they discover Warmachine in about 5 years time.

Here endeth the lesson.


Thursday, 26 May 2011

Uncle Truth's problem cabin (For gamers)

Hi folks and welcome to another long awaited instalment of Uncle Truth's problem cabin (For gamers).

You all know the format; I offer my subjective and condescending advice without provocation from the gaming world at large, then people who actually play games other than 40K read my banal drivel  and speculate in vain regarding what - if anything - I was trying to say in the first place. Today, however, I thought I'd try something different. Today, somebody has actually ASKED for my advice on wargaming.

First up is 30someth1nglol with his question:

Deer Uncle Truth LOL I am a blud ainjels player (FTW) and need some help beeting my reglar oponant Dave, (hoo iz a cuntLOL) hoo playz dark eldar. My only reezon for playing wargames iz that I am not attractiv an like winning at other peepl in my local GW shopLOLZ!!!
             Plz hlp mee to beet Dave, as I hayt him. I need a broken army list like the onez that you mayk up al the thyme on yoor blog. I thinc yoo are grate, not lyk that paincakes, as hee sez bad wurdsLOLZCOPTER, (etc...). Heer is wot I hav in my army just now:

200 Death company marines
Astorath the grim

plz help.

Well, first of all, thanks for taking the time to contact me. First up, I'll just begin by offering you some advice.

I'm better than you and everyone else in the whole world at 40K.

Now, on to the question of your army list! I would recommend starting with a deep, vertical incision at the base of the penis, (just above the pubis) which should be extended in latter stages to just below the tip of the foreskin area. the central shaft of the member should then be split down its central line entirely and both resulting halves folded back to form the walls of your new labia.

Primark in Glasgow have a sale on dresses at the moment, but more importantly,
I'm better than you and everyone else in the whole world at 40K.

Next up is HyveTyrant3002:

Hi Uncle Truth.

I was thinking of running this army list:

9 000 000 Imperial guardsmen
30 chimeras
1 trooper Marbo

I was hoping you would put it up on your blog so that random, faceless hacks could dissect it in unnecessary detail, then argue about which of them is right while entirely missing the point that wargaming should be fun and nothing is certain in a system where dicerolling - arguably the very epitome of randomisation and permutation - is the prevalent game mechanic.
             Also, I love how you never appear to play any ACTUAL games, but talk with such authority on the subject of 40K. You are my hero.

Please be my friend.

Dear HyveTyrant3002. What is immediately apparent to an experienced 40K theorymachinist like myself is that you are considerably poorer at games of 40K than I am. Here is my advice:

It is best not to plant bulbs of different colours in the same container as these will rarely flower at the same time.

For the best results, plant bulbs of roughly the same size close together, but not touching each other or the sides of the container.

Place a layer of bulb fibre into the container and moisten it, then lightly firm it.

Take the bulbs and press them down gently into the bulb fibre so that the tips of the bulbs are just below the level of the container rim.

Place more bulb fibre around the bulbs to within half an inch of the rim. Lightly firm down with fingertips and water well.

Any container will do. Pots pans or bowls with or without drainage holes- though it is probably better without a hole.

Continue to love me despite my glaringly obvious flaws and rampant egocentricity.

Here's Pwnmaster with another gaming issue:

Dear Uncle Truth.

I am the managing director of Games Workshop plc and am the one responsible for switching our model production to the cheaper medium of resin, but raising the prices for no discernible reason other than sheer opportunism.

Please help me.


Dear Pwnmaster. I should begin by advising you that I am much better at 40K than you are. With regard to your other problem?

I've got nothing.

Join us next time for more subjective advice and belligerent rants about how 98% of the 40K community are totally rubbish.

Your friend and mine,

Uncle Truth

Friday, 20 May 2011

That's a waste of a perfectly good Gav Thorpe!

Please note. This post contains almost 100% personal opinion and should not be interpreted as fact in even the loosest sense of the word!

Now I know that Mr Thorpe is a contentious subject for a lot of GW fans, (especially those of you who disagree with his efforts on the fantasy elf army books) but I'm going to come right out swinging and just say it:

This book aside, Gav is one of the black library's better authors.

Hear me out peeps. I've heard a lot of grumblings about this guy over the past few years, the most common being things like:

He powned the chaos space marines codex!

Speed of Asuryan makes High Elves supergay!

Dark elves are broken!


I don't understand the Dow Jones price index!

are only a few of the plethoric complaints that I have seen levelled against the unfortunate Mr Thorpe. However fellow gamers, if I might interrupt your ungrateful, monosyllabic flow for the briefest of moments:


Big boys need to talk now.

Faceless internet scorn must be put on hold while somebody who can spell his own name and use an apostrophe correctly attempts to cultivate a coherent thought.

Consider, if you will, Gav Thorpe. He was a games developer with the workshop when most of you hacks were beginning your formal education, (Which will be henceforth and from this moment onward be referred to as 'finding out that you were borderline autistic, or afflicted with serious learning difficulties that resulted in you subsequently using phrases like IMHO before excreting a half-formed, ill-advised opinion that is in no way humble'). Whether you like it or not, he has contributed to shaping the GW portion of the hobby as we know it and so deserves at least a modicum of respect from even the staunchest and most unreasonable of safely anonymous internet lobbyists.

I make a point of trying to remember that I'm different from the hordes of slavering, herophobic, reactionary ingrates that so readily prey on the successful in a misguided attempt to elevate themselves amongst the dross that is their immediate internet peer group.
'I'm not one of those devolved, barely-literate homunculus beards that mash their keyboard with a misshapen, bestial paw - bereft of opposable digit -the first time somebody does, or says something that I disagree with!' I tell myself, in vain.
Then I remember that I've just read 'The purging of Kadillus' and fight to prevent a rectal prolapse at the unwelcome recollection.

Understand something, I'm a big fan of Gav's other BL books to date. His Malekith stuff's ok. The last chancers is a cracking, darkly atmospheric read that everyone should try and 'Path of the warrior' is simply superb; the best Eldar book of them all, hands down!

What was it then, that possessed him to write this identikit monstrosity about the most overexposed of all 40K races, the Space Marines? I can understand that he would want to continue writing about the characters from his previous - and very good - Dark Angels book. I don't even have a problem with the prequel aspect of the book that I usually avoid in any medium. What I object to is somebody taking a rather pedestrian epic 40K battle, some anonymous, 2D characters that were flimsy to begin with and sewing the whole mess together with sticky, turgid prose.

Unlike the dramatis personae of recent BL books such as Dead men walking by Steve Lyons, Rogue Star by Andy Hoare, Malus Darkblade by the inestimable Mike Lee and Just about anything by Dan Abnett or Aaron Dembski Bowden, I find myself not caring about the Dark Angels, or anyone else in this story at all.

As far as I'm concerned, this book didn't need its own name. Some functional nomenclature like Formulaic Space Marine title number 30379 would have sufficed; such was my lack of interest, or involvement with the plot. For me, this is Gav Thorpe's poorest literary showing for GW, but incredibly it could be worse!

It's still got miles on the Word bearers by Anthony Reynolds.

If he ever even so much as thinks about vomiting out another of those 'written word urine samples' that he has the affront to refer to as novels, then I will personally undertake a study of the dark arts for the express purpose of creating a cantrip whose only use is metamorphosing his ear into a rectum, so that subsequent poos will terminate on his shoulder.

Sunday, 15 May 2011


I've been a little busy. In a Rolf Harris stylee, can you guess what it is yet?

That's right chums, it's an indication of my slow, painful decline into obvious mental illness.

"But Tom!" I hear you cry "You don't even own an Imperial army of any description? Why then, would you choose to build a true-scale Imperial Warhound?"

In response all I can say is why the hell not?

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

"And the winner of the quick reaction, but in decidedly questionable taste award goes to...."

Yes, that is a 1/285th scale model of Osama Bin Laden's Pakistan compound from Gamecraft miniatures.

Bear with me here, I was no fan of the late Bin Laden, but I have some questions for you folks:

Who the hell will buy this? I can understand re-enacting instances of historical interest, but seriously...

What's next from gamecraft, a diorama of Hitler's dead family in 1/56th scale? A Board game called 'The Grassy knoll?'

Am I just being prudish, or is this totally mental?!?

In the interests of fairness, I feel that some mention should be made of the high level of detail in this model. One feature in particular makes this model strikingly true to life:

If you look at the compound very, very closely, then you'll notice that Osama Bin Laden isn't there.

In all seriousness, Kudos to gamecraft. It must have taken serious cajones to go ahead with this project!

Separated at birth?

Behold ye the Wargames factory sci-fi greatcoat figures:

And now, behold ye also the equally nice, but metal Chemsoldiers from Troll-forged miniatures:

Is it just me, or is there a similarity?

Monday, 9 May 2011

What kind of fine is there for returning a book late to the Black Library?

Sometimes it saddens me to be a Games Workshop fan.

Don't get me wrong, aside from poking the odd joke at them, I think they're the best games company in the business. No, my main problem is with the majority of the fans who start to adopt that annoying 'expert' tone on GW forums.

Take this seeminlgy innocuous, innocent query from a hapless forum user for instance:

Questions about The Black Library
Is it in the webway or on some planet not affected by the fall and kept hidden. From what I've read it appears to be in the webway somewhere, but am hoping for confirmation.

Who have seen or visited the Black Library? (Obviously the Eldar, who else?)

I know a few Inquisitors have been there, like Draco when he stole the Rhana Dandra (is that still a valid plot line, and if so, what will become of this prized tome?)

What are the Eldar criteria for allowing outsiders?

Sorry for the volume of questions in one post....

Now you may - as a rational human being - be thinking: Well, as nothing more than a keen fan of the fluff and Black Library novels, I'm only able to answer with any great degree of certainty on very few of those topics. Anything else that I can contribute will be supposition on my part without any basis in fact whatsoever!

(Warning: fail ensuing)

Imagine, if you will, how baffled I was by these responses:

BamOBrien - the Black Library [afair] stores all available Eldar knowledge. That's a LOT. And also, knowledge is power. With combined blessings of Tzeentch, his own potential and something about 60 milion years of eldar data, i would say that arihman would become at least a demigod.

Interesting. Being that Demigods are an abstract concept, largely employed in the metaphorical sense for stylistic licence, I would be interested in seeing the quantitative measurement that NUrgle_Adorrer has applied in order to arrive at this alarmingly confident conclusion.

Wait though, it gets better. Here's the reply:


i would say that arihman would become at least a demigod.

Right, a demigod, I know that all that information is there and could considerably increase Ahriman's abilities but still can you honestly say that he would become another Chaos Power through the Black Library?

What I can honestly say, is that:

The Black Library is fictional and a half-cocked concept at best until GW decide to cash in on the years of ephemeral, confused fluff surrounding it!

How can a starry-eyed forum jockey speak with such clout on a subject which even the game's creators have yet to finalise publicly?

Don't get me wrong, a discussion about potential story arcs and possibilities is great. Voicing your conjecture in a tone of absolute authority is far from great.

I've got love for my fellow gamers, but seriously, some of you truly baffle me. Just play the game, paint the minis and spare the rest of us this moronic diatribe. Argue about it once it's fact people.

Peace and love.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Scenic bases

I don't know about you, but for some time now I've been well and truly fed up with sticking down some loose grit and a bit of flock, then calling it a base. I need something more and - as usual - I don't intend to pay a lot of money for it.

To that end, I've been trawling the net in search of sagely advice and have once more come up trumps thanks to some truly gifted modellers that have been kind enough to share their wisdom with the hobby novitiates.

First up is the excellent with its easy to follow tutorial on making your own bases from bits of crap lying around the place.

Once you've made some bases, try this resin casting technique posted by the incomparableleadhead in order to save you the hassle of replicating your efforts the hard way.

I'll have to wait a while before emulating Leadhead's technique, (As I'm skint for a bit and don't have anything to cast in any case)but developing my scenic basing skill is something that I've been meaning to do for a long time now and handcannon's excellent tutorial should make that a less than arduous process.