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Thursday, 26 May 2011

Uncle Truth's problem cabin (For gamers)

Hi folks and welcome to another long awaited instalment of Uncle Truth's problem cabin (For gamers).

You all know the format; I offer my subjective and condescending advice without provocation from the gaming world at large, then people who actually play games other than 40K read my banal drivel  and speculate in vain regarding what - if anything - I was trying to say in the first place. Today, however, I thought I'd try something different. Today, somebody has actually ASKED for my advice on wargaming.

First up is 30someth1nglol with his question:

Deer Uncle Truth LOL I am a blud ainjels player (FTW) and need some help beeting my reglar oponant Dave, (hoo iz a cuntLOL) hoo playz dark eldar. My only reezon for playing wargames iz that I am not attractiv an like winning at other peepl in my local GW shopLOLZ!!!
             Plz hlp mee to beet Dave, as I hayt him. I need a broken army list like the onez that you mayk up al the thyme on yoor blog. I thinc yoo are grate, not lyk that paincakes, as hee sez bad wurdsLOLZCOPTER, (etc...). Heer is wot I hav in my army just now:

200 Death company marines
Astorath the grim

plz help.

Well, first of all, thanks for taking the time to contact me. First up, I'll just begin by offering you some advice.

I'm better than you and everyone else in the whole world at 40K.

Now, on to the question of your army list! I would recommend starting with a deep, vertical incision at the base of the penis, (just above the pubis) which should be extended in latter stages to just below the tip of the foreskin area. the central shaft of the member should then be split down its central line entirely and both resulting halves folded back to form the walls of your new labia.

Primark in Glasgow have a sale on dresses at the moment, but more importantly,
I'm better than you and everyone else in the whole world at 40K.

Next up is HyveTyrant3002:

Hi Uncle Truth.

I was thinking of running this army list:

9 000 000 Imperial guardsmen
30 chimeras
1 trooper Marbo

I was hoping you would put it up on your blog so that random, faceless hacks could dissect it in unnecessary detail, then argue about which of them is right while entirely missing the point that wargaming should be fun and nothing is certain in a system where dicerolling - arguably the very epitome of randomisation and permutation - is the prevalent game mechanic.
             Also, I love how you never appear to play any ACTUAL games, but talk with such authority on the subject of 40K. You are my hero.

Please be my friend.

Dear HyveTyrant3002. What is immediately apparent to an experienced 40K theorymachinist like myself is that you are considerably poorer at games of 40K than I am. Here is my advice:

It is best not to plant bulbs of different colours in the same container as these will rarely flower at the same time.

For the best results, plant bulbs of roughly the same size close together, but not touching each other or the sides of the container.

Place a layer of bulb fibre into the container and moisten it, then lightly firm it.

Take the bulbs and press them down gently into the bulb fibre so that the tips of the bulbs are just below the level of the container rim.

Place more bulb fibre around the bulbs to within half an inch of the rim. Lightly firm down with fingertips and water well.

Any container will do. Pots pans or bowls with or without drainage holes- though it is probably better without a hole.

Continue to love me despite my glaringly obvious flaws and rampant egocentricity.

Here's Pwnmaster with another gaming issue:

Dear Uncle Truth.

I am the managing director of Games Workshop plc and am the one responsible for switching our model production to the cheaper medium of resin, but raising the prices for no discernible reason other than sheer opportunism.

Please help me.


Dear Pwnmaster. I should begin by advising you that I am much better at 40K than you are. With regard to your other problem?

I've got nothing.

Join us next time for more subjective advice and belligerent rants about how 98% of the 40K community are totally rubbish.

Your friend and mine,

Uncle Truth

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