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Monday, 10 October 2011

Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part -3


Well, I just thought you all should know that I've gotten so tired of waiting for somebody to kick my ass at 40K that I decided to create an opponent from the pieces in my bitz box.

Here are the results:


As you can see, my new opponent evinces all of the qualities of personal attractiveness that make me such a superlative gamer. Namely:
  • Style
  • Panache
  • A sense of flair
  • Unique body odour
  • His own bed that he doesn't have to share with his Mum any more, because he's a big boy like me, (except on special hug night. Uhhhh...)
  • Glasses
In an unfortunate turn of events, I was forced to humanely destroy my new creation when - in a Mary Shelley's 'Dr Frankenstein's monster' related type incident topic - I was overcome with guilt at the enormity of my transgressions against nature. 

Also, he was a cunt.


In any case, that's the end of that chapter, so let's get on with the real work of trawling through the dogshit minefield that I like to call 'Reader's letters'. First up is Mr J Johnson of games sweatshop with a question about initiative priority in close combat:

Deer Unkcel Trooths,

Eye am a man. I liv in a howse with a chimnee and everything. It is ded good. Unfar Unifo Unfinky sum cunt is stealing meye moduls and selling them lyk thay arr his oan. He is a geye cauld Mantik and eye hayte him a lot!!!

pee ess, Eye am a man.

Luv Jarvis

Well Jarvis, I would be remiss were I not to point out that my ability to prosecute successful engagements against opponents via the medium of Warhammer 40K is significantly more advanced than your own, so let's consider that done, shall we? Now, onto one of your many problems; It's clear to me that your army list doesn't have enough melta guns. Please kill me. Also, you need more chimeras. I hate my life. My recommendation would be to immerse the testicles in a warm, saline solution in accordance with advice from your Doctor. End my suffering. I hope this helps, but I won't lose any sleep if it doesn't. 

Next, here's Brian from Govan:

Ho, Uncle Truth.

My name is Brian and I hail from the mist and rock-strewn climes of Valhallasfjord in Govan. Where the mighty frost giants do battle with the legendary warriors of Asgard on the spare ground just across from the Pierce institute where the Govan market used to be. Where of old, the songs of the mighty were woven by Skalds in glory of the rapine and murdermake they didst make in the name conquest it was a bit like that time when Davy wrote his name on the bus-shelter and we were like that, 'Naw Davy, dono't dae it man! You're pure MENTAL so ye are!' but he did it anyway, cos he's pure mental

At the risk of giving mine own eye to the ravens in quest of knowledge as did my grandsire Woden in times past Davy's granda got is' eye poked out tunin' the video recorder. Ah pure like Davy. He's nice. My question to thee o' sagely one is this: 

Do you favour a Mech Guard, or Foot Guard list for your IG armies and secondly, why does nobody on your egocentric, foetid arsehole of a website extend their diction beyond the use of banal acronyms that have the peculiar quality of being both indecipherable, yet boringly appropriate? 

Dear Brian.

Fuck off.

Next tosser:

Dear Uncle Truth.

I was curiously aroused by that picture of a bird picking up a bloke that you posted last time. Any chance of another one?

Danny at Static Games, Glasgow

 Dear Danny,

Don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows that the Dark Eldar beastmaster and his assorted pets are thematic fluff-pieces that serve no purpose on the battlefields of the 41st millenium, (Otherwise known as my Mum's dining table).

Regards, Uncle Truth. Next earspunkage:

Dear Uncle Truth,

I am writing to complain in the strongest terms about your next letter from Dr David Stone, Glasgow. 

Yours sincerely,

Jervis Johnson esq, decd.

Jervis McJohndo enjoying a fly wank, yesterday 

Dear Uncle Truth,

40K is pish and so is your Mum. I don't just mean in bed, but also at card games and making lasagne. 

Dr David Stone,
Static Games, Glasgow

Dear Dr Stone,

I will have you know that if the good lord had intended deepstriking landraiders, then he would have given them wings, or flyer statistics at the very least. Good day to you sir.

Uncle Truth

P.S. here is a picture of a Landraider just in case you don't know what one looks like. Do you see any fucking wings?

A Land Raider, yesterday

Well folks, that's enough wargames cancer for this week. Join me next time when I improve Gav Thorpe's latest Eldar novel by crowning it with a big, steaming shite.

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