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Thursday, 27 October 2011

Uncle bastard's problem truth cabin of some shit with actual real cunts this time for a change which is nice because all the other ones are made up actually, no really, you didn't think they were real did you? Christ... Part 4a


Seeing as how most of our readers prefer this barely polysyllabic drivel to ACTUAL wargaming articles of worth, I'm driven yet again to evacuate more literary effluent from my bowels.

Unfortunately for the universe in general, some people from what I grudgingly refer to as the real world have decided to ACTUALLY write to Uncle Truth with their wargaming problems.

Go figure.

Here's the first failcake, Mark B from Glasgow:

Mark B, kicking a piano in Govan, yesterday

Dear Uncle Truth, recently my girlfriend suggested we try some roleplaying to spice things up in the bedroom. However, no matter how hard I roll my d20's it does not seem to impress her! I even showed her the character sheets so she knows what Target numbers I need and I'm beating them by loads! What else can I do to wipe the depressed look of disappointment off her face?

Dear bloke.

Your Imperial noble is a prick. If warhammer quest was any good then Games Workshop would still be selling it. They have never made any mistakes. Ever. I mean take the blood Angels codex for instance, or 8th edition Warhammer Fantasy battle? Forget about it yo. Trust me, if this game's any good, then Games Workshop will bring it out as an overpriced boxed set for about 4 hours and suddenly remember that they really liked it, even though they couldn't get the cunt off the shelves fast enough 10 years before.


Uncle Truth

Next tosser, J Lennon from Glaschuchu:

A Lennon, (not John) watching countdown, yesterday

Dear uncle truth, can you help? As a roleplayer im having trouble meeting matter how many random encounter charts i roll on it just doesnt happen (and i dont think the brief encounter with that kobald counts) A friend suggested going to a pub but i explained that i hadnt levelled adequately to follow proper tavern ettiquette (as per page 57 players guide). Can you help me?

No. I'm afraid that the only course of action when encountering a Gruffalo in the deep, dark wood is to lead it around a selection of animals that you have already outwitted with outlandish tales of the Gruffalo's ferocity and peculiar dietary requirements. Their shock at seeing the aforementioned monster in your company should elicit a suitably terrified reaction that the Gruffalo will mistakenly attribute to yourself.

You should then shoot the Gruffalo.

With a gun.

Uncle Truth x

Next is some cnut from Helen's bra, R Senior:

I've got nothin', yesterday

Dear Uncle Truth,

Over the past few years I have been playing a lot of Warhammer Recent Battles (First Edition) with my dad Sweyn, and have had some success: so far we have managed to retain the kingdoms of Norway and Denmark and have recently added England to the collection. I am a hands-on commander and not afraid to get my feet wet.

I was deeply affected by the recent death of my father (it took me weeks to wash his blood off the hilt of my seax) and have been wracked with indecision over what my next move should be. Do you think it would be an idea to introduce an elite warrior class into my southern domains, similar to the Hirdmen system that I have utilised in the north? If so, should I use them to systematically eliminate the powerbase and status of the saxon nobility.

Cnut (the Great)

p.s. If you are gonna talk about me at least have the decency to spell my name right.

Dear cunt,

I was very sorry to hear about your gerbil. I recommend buying a warmachine starter set, burying all the heads in a hole beneath a crossroads at midnight, then pissing on the spot. You should then make Jervis Johnson dance naked and have a fight with Paolo Parente from Dust studios. Jervis will lose.

If you need to ask why, then you are a proper cnut!

Wuv, Unkel Trooth x

Well, they were generally of a very poor standard, (except that last one which was a bit highbrow because it mentioned history and that) and generally weren't very sweary at all. Also, there was a distinct lack of 40Kness about all that pish as well. I mean what exactly the fuck is Roleplaying and Historical Wargaming when it's at home anyway?! It sounds as though they haven't even got ludicrously overpriced figures, (of which vast quantities are required) ridiculously short-lived and equally expensive reference books with loads of typos and contradictions and millions of fucking dice!

If you ask me it'll never take off.

No, I'll just stick to not playing 40K, but still going to great pains to let everybody else know how much better at it I am than they at doing it.

Than them is.

Blah, blah, blah... Jervis McJohnsing... blah, blah... sucking Vulkan's cock...blah, blah...Dreadfleet, etc...

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