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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

The Emperor's Children

"Who dares approach the golden throne; eternal duty and privilege of the God-Emperor of Mankind; seat of the astronomican and nexus of all power in the limitless Imperium? Speak, mortal!"

"Ah, yes... hello Mr...Emperor, is it? I am comedy Conservative MP and DWP secretary, Iain Duncan Smith of the Conservative party."

"Speak Mortal, lest the living Godhead remove thy soul and sift it for thine purpose in this, the venerable hub of human dominance over the Xenos scum!"

Right you are then. As you may or may not be aware, the Child support agency falls within my bumbling purview.


"Well essentially, the Child Support Agency is the 'active' wing of what we now term the C.M.E.C."

"You test my patience mortal. What care I, the living incandescence of psychic might and corporeal godhood for your meaningless acronym?"

"It stands for Child Maintenance Enforcement Commission."


"It has come to our attention that of your18 surviving children, you have deliberately and of your own volition lost contact with roughly half. Would that be a fair assessment of the situation?"

"Well...yes, but..."

"And of your 18 children, most are either missing, dead, or presumed dead. Would that be a fitting analysis in your opinion?"

"Well you could look at it like that, but..."

"And would it be fair to say that you have failed in your obligation to make regular and substantial maintenance payments to your surviving sons for the past 10,000 years?"

"Mr Emperor?"

"You needn't bother playing dead Mr Emperor. We see a lot of that kind of monkeyshines at the CSA, believe me!"

"If I may intercede for a moment here..."

"Oh piss off Jervis, you've caused enough trouble! AND nobody likes you."

"Yeah, even my strategic decisions look good next to yours!"

"Yeah, Iain Duncan Smith and I hate you gameslayer. Thanks for letting Matt Ward loose on the Grey Knights codex! In case you're wondering, any time they need tears for their psycannons I just look at a picture of that beardy twat and the boys are home free!"

"And bring back your decent games like Epic and Necromunda while you're at it, tosser!"


"You still owe us money."



Itchy said...

That was brilliant. A much needed laugh on a shitty day. My hat's off to you, si!

Tom Rolland said...

The emperor protects!!!

Unless you're one of his kids.


Lead Legion said...

Absolutely perfect. Good one.

Atreides said...

oh man this was brilliant.