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Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Dear Uncle Truth


It's been a long time since I put anything out on the web for my good, good friend, Tom over at the Dark end of the Street, but I've been in prison since doing a shit on one of the tables at Throne of Skulls. Here's my first email from Barry in Balornock, Glasgow:

Dear Uncle Truth,

I accidentally watched an episode of 'On the Table'.

Please help,

Love Barry x

I'm sorry Barry, but even my usual brand of ridiculous, overly elaborate nonsensical advice, (featuring Vulkan of the Salamanders in some ludicrously unlikely sexual capacity or other) will not serve to undo the damage suffered by your brain's asshole. It has been pummelled into submission by a deluge of topical, yet horrendously ill-presented wargaming information that would have been better delivered by being placed on the end of a very large man's phallus and beaten repeatedly and without mercy against your skull. Next please:

Greetings nameless wargames consumer,

I am Gameeeees Sweeeeeeatshop's tradeeeee manageeeeer Andreeeeeeeeee Kieeeeeeeeran. My company reeeeceeeeently beeeegan using an alteeeeernativeeeee casting meeeeedium known as Fineeeeecash.

It's pish, but pureeeeee cheeeeap, (unleeeeess you'reeee oneeeee of the cunts buying the reeeesulting, low quality modeeeeeels, in which caseeeee theeeeeey'reeeee ineeeeexplicably moreeee eeeexpeeeensive). (eeeee).

So poor are theeeee modeeeels in point of fact, that we haveeee beeeeeeeen ableeee to creeeeateee a wholeeeee neeeeew rangeeee of hobby products such as liquid greeeeeeen stuff and flash removal tools baseeeed soleeeeely on the non-eeeeexisteeeent quality control applieeeeed during the casting proceeeeeeess. 

I don't actually reeeeequireeee any adviceeeee. I'm just gloating.


Well Andreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. It would appear that your Necron army list is lacking in heavy support options. I recommend going for a pee-pee in an empty Irn-Bru bottle then having it shipped to the boys at 'Beasts of War' for their immediate consumption.

Next prick:   

Dear Uncle Truth,

You are a fanny and I hate you. Why don't you just piss off and take your brand of tired, derivative, idiomatic drivel with you, you CUNT! 

You've been blogging about wargaming for ages and I've yet to see you taking a pop at homosexuals in any way, shape or form. What's that all about?!?!?!

Love, (but not gay love) Britt (x)

Dear Britt,

Excellent question. I am a wargamer. To that end, sexuality is as meaningful to me as the bizarre, u-shaped carpet that some people place around the base of their toilet bowl. Does it have any purpose beyond soaking up stray piss and acting as some kind of pube-magnet? I don't know. That's because it isn't relevant to wargaming. I am a wargamer. I leave the judgement calls to assholes who should know better. Next:

Dear Uncle Truth,

I have sent you a picture of me:

Fuck off Jervis.


Well, that appears to be all we have time for in the problem cabin this week. Join me next time that I can't be fucked coming up with an original blog post; opting instead for a tried and trusted anachronism.

Uncle Truth


Sorrowshard said...

Lol I love these, the child within claps it's hands with glee...

Von said...

It's so you don't get cold feet when you're going for a midnight dump. Being all Scottish and such you might be too hardcore for such poncy southern endeavours. I however am quite grateful for mine.

Of course I'm talking about my sexuality. What did YOU think I was on about?

Tom Rolland said...

Toilet carpets are a Scottish metaphor for sexuality. We don't bother with such mushy nonsense!