HP Lovecraft never visited Saltcoats

An exciting new discovery by History graduates that haven't ended up working in a call centre or entering the teaching profession has revealed that American-born reclusive horror fiction writer H.P Lovecraft has never visited the town of Saltcoats on the West Coast of Scotland.

                                                                     West of Scotland

Lovecraft is famous for his many stories of horrors from beyond time and space warping the fabric of  Euclidean geometry, pushing human sanity beyond its furthest breaking points and for being a big, huge racist. 

                                                                     Big, Huge Racist

One of his most famous stories, the Shadow over Innsmouth features one man's horrifying ordeal in the aforementioned town which is populated by sullen, isolationist, inbred mutants suspected of having copulated with an undersea race of fish-people known as 'The Deep Ones'. The story has sparked many comparisons to the seaside town which was once a popular holiday destination for tens of people.

                                                                        Amusements

"It's patent nonsense! Said Bob Fishman, MSP for Saltcoats and the surrounding towns of Ardrossan and Stevenson. "Innsmouth is a forlorn waterside hovel; riddled with unemployment, drug abuse, alcoholism, incest and a record-breaking level of teenage pregnancies. Saltcoats, by contrast is situated on the West Coast of Scotland."

Innsmouth, yesterday

Saltcoats

Contrary to popular belief, the reclusive Lovecraft who is officially recorded as never having left the Unites States of America over the course of his life is now suspected to have never played Street Fighter II Turbo at the Windmill amusements on Saltcoats' main thoroughfare.

Lovecraft was unavailable for comment as he is dead.

Father of 2 goes for s**** and returns to find new edition of 40K

It has been confirmed that a father of 2 has gone for a big Tom-Tit and returned to find that yet another edition of Warhammer 40K has been produced.

Father of 2 Barry Kelly, (26) went to drop the kids off at the pool at approximately 18:00 on 26th February, 2020. He returned 5 months later to find that the ruleset for the popular tabletop wargame had been completely revised.

"I was just wiping my arse when the phone pinged and there was a notification saying there was new stuff. I thought, blimey, that's quick. I only just finished writing my army list before I nipped in to launch a brown canoe. Now all my cards and books and that are out of date!"

The update comes in the wake of people getting used to and enjoying the previous edition of the game and having bought almost all the stuff for their respective armies.

"Basically, we thought it wasn't fair on our customers to be stuck with all that boring 'current' stuff they had bought, often on impulse." said Jervis Johnson, (3) "We know our demographic and these cunts REALLY like buying stuff. Isolated deviants among our customer base will actually build, paint and game with our models. The sick fucking weirdos." said Johnson, non-judgementally.

"It's pure easy doing a new edition!" said Max Bottrill, (73) Games Workshop head of design, manufacture and bonsai trees shaped like knobs. "It's like with teachers when they write your child's report by changing the names on the reports of different children with similar traits. Sometimes we don't even change anything just to see if any cunt notices. We're like the 'Stephen King' of tabletop gaming."

"I'm not liking the look of this psychic maelstrom pish." remarked Kelly. "If things don't improve, then I'm heading in for another Eartha Kitt and like Captain Oates, I may be some time..."

Man goes into Games Workshop and leaves with what he went in for

 

It has been reported that a man has gone into the Glasgow branch of Warhammer and left without purchasing something other than what he went in for in the first place. 

Barry Kelly, (31) from Glasgow is alleged to have entered the store on his way home from work and ‘popped in’ for a pot of Black Templar contrast paint.  Staff and eye-wtinesses have confirmed, however, that Kelly broke with firmly established Warhammer store visiting conventions by walking directly to the paint rack, selecting his chosen item, taking it to the counter and purchasing it before leaving without so much as a glance to either side.   

“It was fucking weird.” said store manager, Steve Bloke. “He walked straight in, right past the guy that I’ve positioned at the front door who says ‘hi’ to everybody without even nodding in a non-committal manner. It would have been ok if he'd engaged in half-hearted banter regarding armies that he has no intention of painting, ever, but I genuinely got the feeling... the horrible feeling... that he was going to... to PAINT something!” 

“Yes.” says Martin Guy, store front door cunt, “My main job is to pretend that I’m glad to see the sad, pre-pubescent loners when they come in and to pounce on the weak-looking, indecisive grandparents who walk through the doors at Christmas like timid deer. I’m fucking good at saying ‘hi’ to cunts. It’s basically what I do. This weirdo didn’t bite! It’s almost as though he had a planned purchase in mind, but that can’t happen. Can it?”  

“IT’S UNPRECEDENTED!” shouts Stuart Fellow, loud shop-person. “IT’S ALMOST AS FUCKED UP AS THAT TIME A BIRD CAME IN! FAIR PLAY THOUGH. SHE WAS WITH HER BOYFRIEND!” 

“What? Oh. No. I had my headphones on.” said Kelly.