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Saturday, 18 June 2011

Stop press: Games Sweatshop to use ice cream as their new casting medium

In a recent announcement by some guy at Games Sweatshop's headquarters, the despotic tabletop wargaming company will be changing their casting medium from the recently announced 'Finecast' to a material previously unknown in the context of toy soldiers:

Ice cream
Games Sweatshop's latest finecast model, yesterday.

Games Sweatshop changed from their traditional metal casting medium to finecast earlier this year. "It's been a great success, but it's really time to move on from finecast. I mean that's been about 2 months since we last slung the twos' up at our loyal customer base with an unexpected and unwarranted change to our production values with an accompanying and frankly unjustified price increase!" said a Games Sweatshop official.

"It's the natural progression from whatever the fuck finecast is made of." said Jarvo McJohnson, Games Sweatshop founding member and father of 9. "We just feel that our overpriced miniatures don't melt quickly enough in direct sunlight, which of course means that our customers aren't obliged to replace them quite as regularly. Obviously, this means we're losing money and I'd rather shite out an adult tortoise than miss the opportunity for some cash!" said the plucky 39 year old mum of 7.  "We've been trying for years to come up with a chemical compound that lowers the lifespan of figures that should effectively - barring accidental or willful mistreatment - last for a very long time indeed and only require to be replaced at the dictates of personal choice. Finecast fulfills that requirement admirably, but it just doesn't melt quickly enough for our purposes. Oviously, I'd rather spunk corrosive toxic waste from my boar's eye than see a penny in some other cunt's pocket!"

But what about concerns from wargamers who can read, do basic sums and concentrate long enough to actually consider the ramifications of a model that does not retain its physical form under sunlight conditions?

"Oh don't worry about them." says Jarvo. "Hardly any of them come into the shop anyhow. They usually just buy our gelatinous product from independent retailers. The daft cunts who play in our hobby centres will still buy it. Frankly, I'd rather give birth to a vauxhall nova from betwixt my arsecheeks than lose out on a few sheckles."

The Dark End of the Street decided to ask regular Games Workshop attendees for their thoughts and views on finecast. Unfortunately, our reporter was violently and explosively sick at the prospect of talking to them and the only ones that we could effectively engage in conversation could only communicate in loud, 'warbastard-related' epigrams . We have opted instead to continue in our default idiom; a torrent of groundless invective punctuated by strategically placed naughty words and pictures of things:

Some cunts, yesterday

And what of those customers who bought finecast models in the frankly ludicrous expectation that their form would not be what we can only define as 'malleable'?

"Don't think that we'll be abandoning finecast completely!" laughs Jarvo. "I mean, obviously we will be abandoning it completely and leaving every cunt that bought it up shit creek without an outboard motor sufficiently resilient for the purposes of transmitting the vehicle's mass through a creek full of shit, but don't think that we'll be abandoning it. We don't like it when you think. Frankly, I'd rather read Anthony Reynolds' Word Bearers trilogy on purpose than....

...hold on. That's a bit strong."

Clearly there is no need for these neurotic finecast modellers to worry. The Store manager of Games Sweatshop Loughborough - in a truly heroic pique of unrewarded company loyalty - has advised the few disgruntled hobbyists at his shop to 'use a little hot water' in order to reshape their finecast miniatures and just look at the results:

Rescued Finecast Manfred von Karstein after the application of  some hot water

Rescued Finecast lizardmen after the application of some hot water

"I think the results are admirable." said a Games Sweatshop spokesperson yesterday. "Anyone that complains about Finecast models melting is obviously a fucking cunt and I hope they die in a tragically unusual, but undeniably funny tenpin bowling accident." 

Watch Games Sweatshop's 'Assholenomican' for the latest updates on the 'Ice-cream' prestige miniature series.  


KnightsofOblivion said...

Awesome, I laughed so hard I actually cried!! Thankyou for the best article I've read all week!

one day gingers will rule the earth said...

And thank you for reading friend! ;-)

Sorrowshard said...

Yeah Seriously funny rant mate, great stuff, I had a good chuckle at that, on the subject I cant bring myself to buy anything in cash-cast and I really need one of the new Heamy's

I'm half hoping they will give up on it and go back to metal .....

one day gingers will rule the earth said...

You should just listen for some atonal, chime-based music outside your house. Games Sweatshop will be selling their new finecash models from their patented 'hobby-centre vans' this summer ;)

If I were you, I'd buy the models that you want, (at night, or on a very overcast day) and then cast them again in a more resilient medium.

Like Blu-tac.

Thanks for reading sorrowshard. I Hope you and all other disgruntled warbastard fans find an answer to this problem!