Uncle Truth's problem cabin: part 3

Howdy.

Well today I thought 'what the hell' I'll do a comparison of 2 armies and see which one isn't as good as Vulkan of the Salamanders on his own, (We'll have time for some of your emails at the end):

First up is this army of my Mum:

2002500 Pts – Lizardmen Roster – Scaly Monsters

** CHARACTERS **

Slaan Mage-Priest (1#, 495 pts)
1 Slann Mage-Priest (Battle Standard Bearer), 300 pts = (base cost 275 + Battle Standard Bearer 25)
1 Cupped Hands of the Old Ones, 45 pts
1 Higher State of Consciousness, 50 pts
1 Soul of Stone, 50 pts
1 The Focused Rumination, 50 pts

** TROOPS **

Skinks (38#, 212 pts)
37 Skinks, 199 pts = 37 * 5 (base cost 5) + Musician Mus 6 + Standard Bearer Std 8
1 Skink Brave, 13 pts

Skinks (37#, 207 pts)
36 Skinks, 194 pts = 36 * 5 (base cost 5) + Musician Mus 6 + Standard Bearer Std 8
1 Skink Brave, 13 pts

** MONSTERS **

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Stegadon (6#, 235 pts)
1 Stegadon, 235 pts

Ancient Stegadon (6#, 275 pts)
1 Ancient Stegadon, 275 pts

Ancient Stegadon (6#, 275 pts)
1 Ancient Stegadon, 275 pts

** SUPPORT **

Chameleon Skinks (5#, 60 pts)
5 Chameleon Skinks, 60 pts = 5 * 12

Chameleon Skinks (5#, 60 pts)
5 Chameleon Skinks, 60 pts = 5 * 12

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

Skink Skirmishers (10#, 70 pts)
10 Skink Skirmishers, 70 pts = 10 * 7

**Space marinechapter masters that I like a bit too much for it to be considered emotionally healthy**

Vulkan 2 000 000 pts

Composition report:

Points of Lords: 495 (0 – 625)
Points of Heroes: 0 (0 – 625)
Points of Core: 629 (625 – Unlimited)
Points of Special: 825 (0 – 1250)
Points of Rare: 550 (0 – 625)

Points of Vulkan: not enough (Uuuhhhh....)

Total Roster Cost: 3

Compare it now to this army:

2500 Pts – Dark Eldar Roster

1 Baron Sathonyx, 105 pts

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2, arses x5)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Trueborn, 175 pts (Dark Lance x2)
1 Venom (Splinter Cannon x2)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, hands x11)

1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, shoes x10)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1, scary expressions x5)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Kabalite Warriors, 135 pts (Blaster x1)
1 Raider (Shock Prow; Flickerfield)

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

5 Beastmasters, 248 pts
4 Khymerae
2 Clawed Fiends
4 Razorwing Flocks

1 Ravager, 105 pts

1 Ravager, 105 pts

1 Ravager, 105 pts

Total Roster Cost: 2499

Now as you can see, the Lizardmen army obviously wins, because the Dark Eldar are a spaceborne race of sadistic warriors with advanced interdimensional technology and arcane battlelore. The Dark Eldar would be hampered by the fact that none of them have home and contents with an excess of less than £300 on the first claim. 

Also I did a jobby.

Anyway, here are some of your problems. First up is Dr Didav Stone from Gasglow, in Stcoland:

"Dear Uncle Truth.

I beat your mum at 40K last night. I demand my money back immediately, or I will sell her soiled undergarments on e-bastard forthwith. She is a good cook though, so it wasn't a total fail. 

P.S next father's day, I would like a lawnmower. I don't own a lawn, nor do I intend to in the near future. 

Now get me a fucking lawnmower."

Well Didivado, if you had actually READ my recent article on terrain, then you would know that 1/28th scale representations of Lidl stores DO NOT block LOS when throwing tangerines. To illusrtate, here is a picture of a bird with some tits:

And that's the end of that chapter. Remember kids, I'm significantly better at 40k than you. Join me next week on my House of Paincakes guest spot where I tell them how much better I am than them at 40k.

Oh, I just came.

Exclusive: Games Sweatshop to offer free pubic hairs with finecast blisters in an effort to drive up sales

News just in, Games Sweatshop have revealed that they will be offering a limited edition set of pubes in selected blisters from their plasticine-like 'Finecash' range of models.

Dark end of the Street was able to catch up with the tyrannical wargaming company's indifferent founder, Jarvil McJohncunt who gave us an exclusive preview:

A pube, yesterday

"As you can see" stated the plucky, 67 year old mother of 5 "We've begun offering  a limited edition set of pubes in selected blisters from our plasticine-like 'Finecash' range of models. We took the pubes from that rarest of creature: Somebody that plays our games who is old enough to have actually fucking grown some. Given the scarcity of these creatures, we had originally intended to retain this specimen in captivity for breeding, but had to release him back into the wild. First off, we found out that birds don't play our games, They're more into shopping and hair-dryers and that. Secondly, he didn't know what a girl was."

But there's always a bright side said 59 year old Jarvil, greatuncle of 6 and generally smug, rich cunt:

 "The great thing for our cuntomers is that not only do you have models that will melt with little provocation at room temperature faster than those of other, lesser game companies, but now you have the added incentive of owning a genital hair, from the ballbag of an emotionally retarded 30-something that still plays with toy soldiers in our shops!"

Games sweatshop's Finecash (with pubes) is available from all good wargaming retailers, (except Wayland Games, cos they've got the good sense to get it to fuck back where it came from in the first instance!).

Retribution of Scyrah 'Aspis' light warjack

Balls

Privateer press level 7

Only just announced.

Not a single picture, or piece of concept art available.

Not so much as a comment from Privateer Press; save that we will see the first release NEXT YEAR and yet...


QUOTE(Veneficus @ Jun 20 2011, 05:01 PM)





As Level 7 refers to the highest threat rank of a nuclear accident/ disaster. It makes sense that this will be a post apocalyptic type setting. There is also a novel by Mordecai Roshwald of the same name that is post-apocalyptic.

Uh oh! The forum Farseers have been casting those pesky runes again! It's either that or somebody has been using the medium of internet forums to present subjective and uninformed assumptions as fact, (but the possibility of somebody using wraithbone trinkets to sift the skein of possible fates is far more likely).

I hestiate to point out - but feel that it is my solemn responsibility to do so - that there is also a book called 'The Pickwick Papers' by Charles Dickens. Although I spent many an hour delighting in the bumbling, good-natured misadventures of those jolly Englishmen and their unconscious commentary about life, the universe and everything, I sincerely hope that Privateer Press won't be considering the book's Idyllic, pastoral Victorian setting as the basis for their new science fiction game.

If we follow Veneficus example and engage in scientific abstraction based on things that are called the same thing as other things so must be the same thing as those things, then we could be looking at the following scenario:

Samuel Pickwick's feat allows his controlling player to make a confusing social gaff over a polite game of whist in the drawing room, eliciting remonstrative stares from those in attendance. It also allows him to be embarrassed by failing to safely drive a horse-drawn carriage and grab some cunt's nose in a fit of pique.

is perfectly acceptable in a Dickensian period drama, but not a science-fiction game.

GET IT TOGETHER PRIVATEER PRESS!!!

The 'Depth' of 40k tactics?????

Sorry everybody, but I've only just read a blog post that made me want to poo out enough polystyrene packaging to re-box the plethora of white goods in my kitchen and those of my neighbours on either side.

The blog - which shall remain nameless - made reference to how they were showcasing the 'depth' of 40k tactics.

Fair enough.

Here's the Dark end of the Street's illustration of 40k's tactical depth:

Gamers are strongly advised to play this system for fun, or at the very least out of a sense of obligation and abject denial of the many tactically superior ones readily available.

Under no circumstances should gamers dive into this system at any time without considering the fact that they will probably sell all their stuff on ebay when they discover Malifaux, warmachine and infinity.

In addition, the Dark end of the Street requests that gamers do not run along the side of the game system and remember to swim in a complimentary direction to other players at all times.

Uncle Truth's problem cabin for gamers (issue 2)

Howdy.

Nobody at all asked me for my advice on gaming recently, so I thought I'd once more pollute the internet with a bilious excretion of self-aggrandizing twaddle that quite literally 'shags' all the fun right out of gaming under the premise that another human being actually sought out my advice.

This week's first gaming problem comes from warmacnut927:

Dear Uncle Truth. I can see you. I watch you changing into your pyjamas at night and it leaves a stain on toe of my right shoe. I will never wash that shoe. Ever. Those who know me and are familiar with my standards of personal hygiene will not think this decision out of character, but they are not privy to my emotional connection with this moment. I want to be inside you homes. For real.


Also, can you tell me how to beat and Epic Deneghra list?


Thanks.


Uuuuuuhhh.....


Well warmacnut927, I should probably start by saying that even though your question is about a game that obviously isn't 40K, I'm still better at 40k than you are at this game. What I recommend is taking Vulcan of the Salamanders chapter. I've always felt that Vulkan should only take units that he can get covered by third party insurance with only a very small excess. You should equip them with egg-mayonnaise sandwiches and a flask of hot water with the requisite number of teabags, (you should take the teabags with you instead of pouring ready-brewed tea in the flask, otherwise you will lose).



Next up is Unclesausagefind666:

Dear uncletruth. 


Can you write me a list for a 9 drop pod terminator assault list with 6 landraiders and a captain with two powerfists, each with a flamer on each powerfist each? Like you, I wish to suck all the fun out of gaming by talking about it a lot and only very rarely actually playing it. You are my hero.


That's great news son! What I suggest is that you wash the offending teeshirt with similarly coloured items and turn it inside out to protect the textured weave of the autobot symbol on its front. Remember, I'm significantly more good than you at 40k.

Also, I have all weapons.



Well that's it for this week's uncle truth's problem cabin. Remember to keep sending your gaming problems to Uncle Truth at www.darkenders.blogspot.com.

Remember folks, if you actually stop talking about gaming long enough to do it, then you're doing something wrong!

Stop press: Games Sweatshop to use ice cream as their new casting medium

In a recent announcement by some guy at Games Sweatshop's headquarters, the despotic tabletop wargaming company will be changing their casting medium from the recently announced 'Finecast' to a material previously unknown in the context of toy soldiers:

Ice cream

Games Sweatshop's latest finecast model, yesterday.

Games Sweatshop changed from their traditional metal casting medium to finecast earlier this year. "It's been a great success, but it's really time to move on from finecast. I mean that's been about 2 months since we last slung the twos' up at our loyal customer base with an unexpected and unwarranted change to our production values with an accompanying and frankly unjustified price increase!" said a Games Sweatshop official.

"It's the natural progression from whatever the fuck finecast is made of." said Jarvo McJohnson, Games Sweatshop founding member and father of 9. "We just feel that our overpriced miniatures don't melt quickly enough in direct sunlight, which of course means that our customers aren't obliged to replace them quite as regularly. Obviously, this means we're losing money and I'd rather shite out an adult tortoise than miss the opportunity for some cash!" said the plucky 39 year old mum of 7.  "We've been trying for years to come up with a chemical compound that lowers the lifespan of figures that should effectively - barring accidental or willful mistreatment - last for a very long time indeed and only require to be replaced at the dictates of personal choice. Finecast fulfills that requirement admirably, but it just doesn't melt quickly enough for our purposes. Oviously, I'd rather spunk corrosive toxic waste from my boar's eye than see a penny in some other cunt's pocket!"

But what about concerns from wargamers who can read, do basic sums and concentrate long enough to actually consider the ramifications of a model that does not retain its physical form under sunlight conditions?

"Oh don't worry about them." says Jarvo. "Hardly any of them come into the shop anyhow. They usually just buy our gelatinous product from independent retailers. The daft cunts who play in our hobby centres will still buy it. Frankly, I'd rather give birth to a vauxhall nova from betwixt my arsecheeks than lose out on a few sheckles."

The Dark End of the Street decided to ask regular Games Workshop attendees for their thoughts and views on finecast. Unfortunately, our reporter was violently and explosively sick at the prospect of talking to them and the only ones that we could effectively engage in conversation could only communicate in loud, 'warbastard-related' epigrams . We have opted instead to continue in our default idiom; a torrent of groundless invective punctuated by strategically placed naughty words and pictures of things:

Some cunts, yesterday

And what of those customers who bought finecast models in the frankly ludicrous expectation that their form would not be what we can only define as 'malleable'?

"Don't think that we'll be abandoning finecast completely!" laughs Jarvo. "I mean, obviously we will be abandoning it completely and leaving every cunt that bought it up shit creek without an outboard motor sufficiently resilient for the purposes of transmitting the vehicle's mass through a creek full of shit, but don't think that we'll be abandoning it. We don't like it when you think. Frankly, I'd rather read Anthony Reynolds' Word Bearers trilogy on purpose than....

...hold on. That's a bit strong."

Clearly there is no need for these neurotic finecast modellers to worry. The Store manager of Games Sweatshop Loughborough - in a truly heroic pique of unrewarded company loyalty - has advised the few disgruntled hobbyists at his shop to 'use a little hot water' in order to reshape their finecast miniatures and just look at the results:

Rescued Finecast Manfred von Karstein after the application of  some hot water

Rescued Finecast lizardmen after the application of some hot water

"I think the results are admirable." said a Games Sweatshop spokesperson yesterday. "Anyone that complains about Finecast models melting is obviously a fucking cunt and I hope they die in a tragically unusual, but undeniably funny tenpin bowling accident." 

Watch Games Sweatshop's 'Assholenomican' for the latest updates on the 'Ice-cream' prestige miniature series.  

Dust Tactics revamp after less than a year?

Part of me - specifically the part that has grown up being betrayed by Games Sweatshop and Privateer, (notice how I left the 'press' part out? That's not an accident) wants to scream 'Shenanigans!' and 'Money grabbing bastards!' or write a self-indulgent rant where I stick Rebeccah Black's head on the head of a Dust Tactics character from the box-set cover and waste 5 minutes of everyone's life.

I'm as shocked as you're going to be with this realisation, but here goes:

I think this is a really well managed and customer-friendly corporate decision.

Think about it:

Core game rules are the same, only points values have been changed

New points values are provided free on the FFG site for those who don't want to buy the unnecessary updated cards for existing models

You get a brand new scenario book

You get exclusive new models for both factions that introduce troop and vehicle classes hitherto unexplored in the official rules

It's cheaper than the original

Did I mention that it's cheaper than the original?

I think this is a serious win: a game update that you don't necessarily need, but will probably want in any case. Well done to you again, fantasy flight. Let's hope Games Workshop are watching your progress closely and learning from your example!

G3 logo competition

Pharon conversion list by Rishkith

This guy is great.

He's saved me God knows how much time trawling the web for likely conversion candidates with this list of possible Pharon models from reaper:

Sokar's Avatar, Nefsokar Solo - Fallen Lord


14098: Khufu, Nefsokar Warlord - Fallen Lord

03126: Ghoul Queen & Servants - Queen of Conflict

03187: Kal'Valanis, Lich Queen - Queen of Conflict

14144: Moandain, Necropolis Warlord - Queen of Conflict

02485: Egyptian Sorceress - Abydons

02594: Egyptian Priestess - Abydons, High Priestess

02156: Mummy Of Hakir - Slave

02507: Khalith, Mummy King - Sieve of Ulhothep (modify for power armor)

14081: Netikerti, Nefsokar Mage - Initiate (2-4)

14164: Chosen of Sokar, Nefsokar Sergeant - Sundered (Modify to have blades)

14064: Khadath, Nefsokar Captain - Sundered

14026: Nakhti, Nefsokar Captain - Sundered

14176: Reborn, Nefsokar Hero - Slayer Suit (modify one hand)

14236: Neb'nesew, Nefsokar Warlord - High Priest of Ulhothep

What a guy.
 
(I hope he doesn't mind me putting this on here. If you know him, then please ask on my behalf!)

The pick of the week at a particular games company's website

At least this wasn't waiting in my inbox, that's the only thing that I can say in the company's defence.

I've been trying to get behind the finecast sensation and I have to say, model-wise, that isn't hard. The quality that I have observed first-hand proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that GW's new mix is capable of breathing life into those tired looking old moulds.

For me, a major problem still exists. This stuff is really expensive. I know that everyone and their brother is harping on about this on the blogsphere and I will admit that I have absolutely nothing new, or insightful to say on the matter. What you need to ask yourself before continuing is, "When has that ever stopped him before?"

Here is a picture of your average, garden variety, run-of-the-mill GW shop regulars in their natural state of existence:



Yes, yes, we know 'You want brains!'

 Here is a staged photo of some Australians supposedly barging their way into a GW store:




"Let me in first!" wailed Bruce, plaintively. "No, me! I want to spend more money on essentially the same product, but produced to a marginally higher degree of quality for my ludicrously contrived and non-playtested game system that serves - rather than as an involving medium for 28mm scale miniature battles - as a ludicrously thin veil for the commercial machinations of a heartless corporate machine!" yelled Sandy. "I've never been with a lady!" added Brad, quickly followed by Bruce and Sandy.


This next sofa-warming treasure is known only as 'Konrad'.



Just in case any of you were wondering what it feels like to hate...

 The caption on the site reads:

This customer, known only as Konrad, came into the store (buy our stuff) in Ringwood, Australia, raised his knives above his head (that's not a knife, this is a knife), and demanded that the (Did you buy our stuff yet?) staff make Konrad von Carstein in Citadel Finecast. Well, hold onto your Fellbats because you never know, one day we might do just that (I don't think I hear you buying our stuff).


What hasn't been effectively communicated by my pasting is the cheeky little hyperlink that GW kindly add which whisks the hapless wargamer on a magical journey to the wonderful and enchanted realm of Konrad von Carstein's citadel finecast shop page.

                                                                  You cheeky so and sos!

If you're not careful then you'll get a reputation for shameless, exploitative marketing practices where you commit the commercial equivalent of taking your customers out for a big, slap-up dinner at a posh restaurant, followed by a walk along a moonlit beach while talking about your crazy dreams, finishing with a chaste peck on the cheek at their front door, then never phoning them again!

I think I may be done with GW, but I don't expect them to care. By a similar token, please don't pollute my blog comments with any inane, fan-boy dribblings of the verbal variety on the subject of defending their pricing position. Should you feel the wish to question me on this matter, then I must direct you here. Also, here is a picture of your mum. Just in case you've forgotten what she looks like, (She's the lady who lives upstairs from your basement 'apartment' and buys your pop-tarts)

Cheap(ish) Leman Russ tanks

They've got to go and they're going on ebay.

There are 3 for sale in total and I combine shipping, (50% off P&P for each additional item after the first). They come as unboxed sprues.

 Make yourself happy and help Yorkhill children's hospital at the same time.

Gingers